Page 34 of Cruz

One brow arches as he waits for me to go on.

“Have you thought more about what we’ll see where this goes might mean? What it looks like exactly?”

He sighs, but chokes on the end of it and swallows hard. His hand gravitates toward his knee, fingers bunching up on his thigh. I don’t think he’s even aware of it. I want to get up and get him some Ibuprofen, but I’m sure he wouldn’t take it.

“Haven’t thought about anything but.”

I didn’t see him kicking all the breath out of my lungs. “I know that’s not true.” I point at his phone. “You’ve thought about this.”

“This, the kiss, and the future.”

I know that Cruz will respect my decision, my choice, and my boundaries. He’s waiting for me to make the next move. I wasn’t going to do anything yet, but here I am, blurting out words that I can’t keep inside any longer. “I’m scared to start anything, because I know that I’ll always want more with you. I’m afraid that more will get complicated and complicated will turn into a mess, and that we’ll both get hurt.”

He doesn’t break eye contact. “That’s the risk.” It’s a statement, not a question, and not meant to insult me. This is just Cruz being Cruz.

“Are you going to break down the risk versus reward structure with scenarios?”

“No.”

This time, he’s for sure amused. I glance at the bag of peas draped over his knee. They’re soaking a wet spot into his jeans. “Do you want me to get you the corn and replace those?”

“They’re fine.”

“Are you? Did this take your mind off your knee?”

“Is that why we’re talking about it?”

I hesitate. It would be so easy to say yes, but I respect his honesty and I don’t want to be a coward and not give him the same. “No.”

“I’m sorry if you feel pressured. That wasn’t my intent.”

“I don’t. I just don’t want you to wonder. You said you’ve been thinking about it.”

“I take it that you’ve done the same.”

“Yes.” I draw my knees up and wrap my arms around them, clasping my hands tightly, so I don’t start up with nervous tells. “I feel messed up about it. Not in ways that I can attempt to explain either. It’s weird. Thinking you wanted one thing and then having to admit that maybe there’s more.” I can’t look at him, so I study my pajama clad knees. Cute little suns and moons stare back at me from a dark blue fuzzy background. “Not because I wasn’t honest with myself, but because I… I don’t know.”

“I think the best anyone can do is try.” Cruz’s hand creeps down his thigh, toward the bag of peas. His fingers splay out, grasping the thick muscle, but he doesn’t shift or move the bag.

Try. That’s what I need to do. Try to steer this conversation to safer ground, not that there is any such thing where Cruz is concerned. “Is it going to be okay? Your knee?”

“The surgeon did a good job, and I’m careful.” Cruz is full of surprises, answering me this time. “I do my own exercises every day for it. This is just part of dealing with injury and getting older. People ache when they’re over forty.”

“Can I get you anything?”

“You’ve got me more than enough.”

We sit with the silence that feels normal with Cruz. Normal and not the least bit uncomfortable. “I know you don’t like talking. Should I turn the TV on?”

“I have enough entertainment here.”

I track his gaze down to his phone. “You’re looking at the outside of the building, and down in the café. There’s not a whole lot going on there. It’s hardly primetime entertainment.”

“That’s good. It’s exactly the way I want it to stay.”

“Even so, it’s boring.”

“I enjoyed watching you come down the hall with the bat.”