Page 54 of Session 25

I drove home in silence, turned my phone off, and set a bubble bath. My head was now feeling like it had a heartbeat of its own. I took a Tylenol PM, slipped under the water, and relaxed. I did get out until the water became cool and my fingers began to wrinkle.

I washed off, using my favorite lavender scented soap. Sleep was the only thing on my mind. I slipped off the towel, tossing it on the chair in the corner of my room, set my thermostat to sixty nine, and got under the blanket.

I was in dreamland until I heard the sound of someone pounding on my front door. I threw the blanket back, hopping up, almost tripping over my slippers as I tried to grab my robe.

“Hold on!” I shouted. Whoever was on the other end was gonna break down my door sooner or later. “I said hold on!”

Roman was on the other end of the door with a look on his face that I couldn’t read.

“Fuck is wrong with your phone?” He had never spoken to me the way he was now. The corporate man I had a crush on was now acting like he was just another nigga from the hood.

“It’s off.” I moved to the side, letting him walk past me.

“No shit. It’s off and you ain’t checked in. Last message you left me on read. Fuck is up with that?”

“Roman, I don’t know. I've been busy. Just being to myself, that’s all.”

“Yo yourself? So, you couldn’t let me know you needed some time alone? Got me worried and shit, and you just wanna be left alone,” he sucked his teeth. “I can take honesty. I appreciate straightforwardness. What I hate is for someone to not communicate like an adult.” I could see that he was really ticked off. That wasn’t my intention, but I also had been putting people before me lately, and that too had to stop.

“I hear you, but if I said I needed time, you’d want a reason why. Then you would try to come and fix it, and I don’t need that, Roman.” I sat on the sofa. “I know that’s what you do. You’re a fixer. You want to make sure I’m good, but I honestly want to make sure I’m good.” I sighed before biting my bottom lip. “I like you. I may even care for you deeply, but I can’t do that. I can’t fall for you right now.”

“Why not?”

I didn’t need to bring up his marriage; he was reminded of that all the time. “We are just not looking for the same things. I don’t know what I’m looking for, and from the way you are with me and then her, you don’t know either.”

“Fuck that, I know what I want.”

“So, move in with me then. Let’s make it official. Set up the divorce.” I threw out demands I knew he couldn’t commit to.

“Move in?” Are we even that far along? If anything come to my place. I’ll give you a key, and we work our way up to moving in.”

“Just like I thought.” I knew he wasn’t ready for it, but hearing him speak as if he was had my hopes high. “I need space. I want space.” I blinked back the tears. “I’m not gonna lie. I wanted you to jump at the idea. We have been going strong for months. I thought we were getting somewhere, but we aren’t.”

“Yes, the hell we are. Let’s go on a trip. Clear your mind and mine.”

“That may work at home, but I’ve been there, done that, and came home to the same shit once the dust settled.” I shrugged. I didn’t want to put a damper on Roman’s parade, but the truth was the truth.

“So, what is it you need, Koi? I’m not trying to be here just for a good time. I want to be here for a long time.” His eyes were sincere; his voice was low and soothing. I didn’t want to break; I had to stay focused on my needs, so I quickly looked away.

“I need time to myself. Can I have that?”

“Just don’t count me out ma.” He grabbed my hands, kissing my forehead. “I get it, and I am here when you’re ready.”

“Okay.” Roman let go of my hands, since you won’t let me take you on a trip, allow me to plan a relaxing day for you tomorrow or this week.”

“Can I let you know in the morning?”

“Sure.” He let out a sigh. “Have a good evening.”

Once Roman was gone I powered on my phone. Life was coming at me fast and from the text I received, it showed just how fast it was.

Rae: So, you just gonna do that to me and go missing.

Rae: Don’t make me use the address on your intake form, because I will.

Rae: Aight Koi, wassup foreal?”

I didn’t bother texting her, I tapped on her name.