Page 241 of Starside

“I know. This will kill me.”

He glares at me.

I shake my head. “Don’t you see?” My voice is raw from the screaming. I form something like a smile. “I’m not afraid. She is waiting for me at the end of this, and then I won’t be alone.”

He studies me for a moment. Then he says something I would never guess. “Aris, you are not alone.”

You are not alone.

We look at each other. More moments spill between us, yet the silence doesn’t feel cold anymore.

“You don’t understand. You never could.”

“I understand,” he says.

I swallow. “You don’t have a heart. How could you?”

He scowls at my attempt at a joke. “I know you, Aris. You claim you don’t care about anything but revenge, but I have watched you unfailingly, stupidly care about everyone else’s life over your own. You are not the monster you think you are.”

His words make all my hatred rise to the surface, because I don’t hate him, I don’t hate anyone more than I hate myself. “I am worse!” I say. “I am the reason they are all dead!”

He opens his mouth as if to say something else, but at that moment, someone steps behind us.

Este.

She’s followed by a half dozen women that look almost like the faelings, draped in thin, white fabrics, flowers woven through their long hair, vines wrapped around their arms.

Relief melts through her expression. “You’re awake.”

“Because of you,” I say, my voice heavy with emotion. “How—”

“You needed help,” Este says simply. She looks over at Raker. “He reached for it.” I remember now the final words she told me, before we left the Traveling City. Her gaze drops to my back. “Nothing we could do about older marks, unfortunately. It would have required more time in the pool of starlight. And pain.”

I shake my head. “It’s fine.” I want them. They are a reminder, just like the mark I can still feel the ghost of against my throat.

I drop Raker’s hand and don’t miss how his fingers reach for mine again on reflex—before pausing.

“I hope you don’t mind the clothes,” Este continues, motioning to the dress I woke up in. It’s thin, silky fabric, barely enough to cover me, just like the women behind her, staring at us curiously. I walked out of that City on Fire naked, broken, ash-covered but unburnt. I walked out the phoenix Stellan always told me to be. The clothes—they don’t matter. Not when Este has given me a chance to finish this journey.

I lift to my feet and reach my hand to hers. “Thank you,” I say, gripping her fingers, trying to convey in any way possible my endless gratitude.

She smiles, but I see a trace of sadness in her eyes.

Something is wrong.

I think about the Traveling City, and all its rules. The way the Eldress looked at her, when she reached out to give me her final parting words.

A pinch forms between my brows.

“You can’t go back, can you?” I ask, hoping I’m wrong.

But she just lifts her head. “No. Once one of us chooses to leave through the gates … we’re not welcomed in again.”

My eyes widen. She sacrificed everything she loved … including her sister … for me.

Why?

“I—”