Page 24 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

Waves of power akin to pride mixed in with the rhythm of her current, and my legs ached to close the distance between us. To fall to my knees before her in praise and bury myself inside her until my woman was fat with my young. Until I remembered that she wasn’t mine. She left.

A knife twisted in my gut.

If anything, this display of power only solidified the theory of her working against us. The general was a conniving man, and wouldn’t risk a female until he was absolutely sure she would come back unscathed. But what was her mission? Nothing was missing from my chambers when I awoke. No reports of warriors with their throats slit in the night. She could have been gathering intel. Feigning ignorance to our language to get a proper look at the layout of our fort. That had to be it. If the general was planning a large-scale attack, information about our numbers and weaponry would be crucial. And like a fool, I fell completely into his enchantress’s snare and left her unguarded after falling asleep.

Shit. My father would skin me alive if he were here to see his heir fall for such an obvious trap.

Blair still had not spotted us. If we moved quickly, we might be able to subdue her before she lashed out with those deadly claws. Stealing my resolve, I said, “The plan hasn’t changed. If she’s working with that fallen king, we need to know.”

“She may run if we approach,” Ko said. “I’ll take my horncrest and loop around to the north side in case we need to cut her off.”

At my nod, he took off into the trees. Biesabu cast a worried glance after him, then fiddled with the net hooked onto his belt. “What?” I asked, annoyed.

His throat bobbed before he cast his eyes to the ground. “Are…are you sure about this, sire? Maybe we should just turn back. It doesn’t look like she took anything on her way out. She might have just been passing through.”

Understanding dawned when I noticed his eyes shifting to the terror wings at her feet. He was still a young man, and unused to the harshness of battle. Facing off against a creature capable of taking down giant beasts was probably too much for the hunter to handle. Tracking was one thing; risking your life against a stronger opponent was another. Now that I think about it, the battle with the raiders yesterday might have been the first time Biesabu had ridden out with the other warriors, and that was a small skirmish at best. I placed a hand on Biesabu’s shoulder. “Don’t fret. If it comes to a fight, leave it to Ko and me. I brought you on this mission because Jivorn said you were his best tracker, and you’ve proved that by leading us here. You will not die this day, you have my word.”

The worry did not leave his eyes, but Biesabu squared his shoulders and nodded. “I will not fail, my king.”

Chapter 13

Blair

I noticed the first alien right as the acid started to kick in. I recognized him as one of the few I saw at the meeting but I never did catch his name. He creeped among the foliage toward me, as if I couldn’t see his purple ass against all that green. I put a hand to my hip and cocked my head at him.

“You’re joking right?” I asked loudly. “I do y’all the favor of sneaking out in the middle of the damn night, and you still chase after me? Churlish.”

No response. A rustle from above drew my attention, and I noticed another alien riding a triceratops at the top of the ravine. How the hell did he get up there? I must have missed a back road or something. If I knew there was another way to keep going rather than slumming it in this gross damp ravine, I would have done it. Live and learn, I guess.

“You guys suck at assassinations. You know that?” When Mr. Plum continued his ham-fisted attempt to get closer, I’d had enough and threw a rock near him. He jumped when it struck against the wall near his head. “I can see you, GOOFY!” I screamed. “This isn’t fooling anyone. And if you’re here to kill me, I suggest you take a look around,” I said, gesturing to the litter of dino bodies now scattered in the ravine. “I’m three for three so far today, and I’m feeling lucky!”

The world spun in a pulse of color, and I slumped to my knees in a bout of dizziness. “Oooh no.” The words blew out of my mouth and floated into the mist like globs of cotton candy as the world dissolved into a kaleidoscope of color and chaos.

I rubbed a hand to my temple in an attempt to stave off the dizziness, but my hand shrank into a black hole that appeared out of my eardrum, and I realized I was not a celestial body capable of tearing planets apart. I was simply way too far gone on acid. “Oh, I did not think I’d have to be alive to face the consequences of my actions.”

Maybe I should just let them kill me.

“Blair!” called a familiar voice.

“Oh come on!” Getting to my feet, I squinted past the dancing colors to see Osid hauling ass toward me. Which probably meant Mr. Plum and that other guy were not here to kill me. Just deliver me to their leader, who apparently can’t take a fucking hint.

“Ugh, I’m too high to deal with you right now!” I turned on my heel and leapt down to the ground and took off running. Mud gushed around my boots, and I sank in with every step until running became damn near impossible. To make matters worse, the mud grew into a sea of gasping faces that gurgled and popped in protest.

A net was thrown over me, causing me to trip and fall face-first into the muck. Enraged, I sat up with a snarl and tugged the net from over my head. Mr. Plum stood not too far away, arm still outstretched in a throwing position.

I scooped up a handful of mud and chucked it at his head. “You dick!”

It struck him square in the face, sending him falling back into the muck with a squelch. I pulled my leg free of a particularly deep patch of mud and trudged farther toward my destination. The dam that the stabadactyl crashed into gushed small spurts of water that were quickly turning the mud pit into swampy nature soup. Halfway up its incline was a ledge that seemed to coil up the side of the ravine. Better yet, it was on the opposite side that the rider was on. But it was way too high for me to be able to climb up and get to it before Osid and his men caught up.

Just then, my body grew jittery. Every fiber of my being rushed out to hug and kiss the universe in a sea of unconditional love, and the universe returned my offering with a rush of power like I’d never felt before. All at once, the wind rushed above me to form what I just knew to be an all-powerful presence at the top of the gorge. It churned and swirled until it formed into what looked like a prehistoric mashup of a flamingo and a pelican. Its long beak was curved upside down, the lower half covered in tiny little bristles like in a whale’s mouth. She was pink and silly and wonderful, and she was calling my name.

“Come to me, Blair,” said the wind. “All the secrets of everything can be yours, if only you can reach for me.” Her beak opened wide, and spat globs on blue orbs along the fallen trunks and rocks that made up the dam. When sunlight caught them, they seemed to glow and sparkle like the ornaments on a Christmas tree.

Brimming with newfound confidence, I started my ascent. I’d rock climbed at that one indoor place downtown like three times. I could make that climb. I could make any climb. Those blue orbs and the secrets within would be mine!

Grinning, I leapt for the next log and hoisted myself up higher. The flowers growing out of the walls started to sing like dozens of beautiful angels.

“Higher, Blair!” they cried, and my limbs flung me higher, gleeful to grant their wish. No one could stop me. I was the best climber this damn planet had ever seen. Once I got to the top, I’d tie my jacket to a stick and plant it like a flag, claiming this land in the name of the Vipers!