Page 29 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

Osid’s face appeared on the screen, gold fangs flashing in a grin like he was posing to be the pot-stirring industry plant on the next season of The Bachelor.

“Fuck that screen, and fuck you for showing it to me.”

And fuck him for being hot enough to make that work. God, the teal eyes and dark skin combo was a weakness I never saw coming. His hair was kept in a mohawk twist, framed with diabolical-looking jagged ram horns. Since when was I into horns? You know what? Doesn’t matter. I hate that guy. Kidnapping, gun stealing, psychotic prick.

The honeycomb-colored Tamagotchi around my neck buzzed angrily. The little pixel man fell, slumped over the affection bar next to him. A glowing red light blinked over the bottom bar.

“Hmm, that is your mate, yes?” the doctor asked.

“No.”

“No?”

“No,” I replied, drawing out the word to emphasize my point. “I never agreed to that.” Nor did I agree to be abducted in the first place, but that’s neither here nor there. Nobody’s brought out butt probes yet, so I guess I’ll call that win.

She nodded. “We understand that this change could be difficult for you, but Subject 4 has responded very well to her mates. Perhaps with a slower introduction—”

“Yeah, I’m gonna stop you right there. Dorothy,” I said, stressing out the name. “I’m gonna say that again because you keep referring to her like a test subject, Dorothy, is getting along with her mates. That doesn’t mean I, Blair, am going to get along with the first asshole you guys saddled me with. No amount of slow introductions is going to make me want to make babies with that guy.”

A gritty hate fuck maybe. With a gag firmly in place so he can’t ruin it with his stupid mouth.

“Hmm.” A cord with a suction cup on the end was pulled from the array of strange alien equipment above my chair and pressed against my temple. In the next moment, my mind was racing through memories of my exes. The blind date at the aquarium I had with the pretty blond my cousin worked with, the hot quickie I had backstage after a show in Chicago with my ex Kallum. I remembered that night vividly, as right after our little tryst, he slipped away to the bathroom, leaving his unlocked phone right next to me. Was it wrong to snoop? Yes. But I knew that bastard was cheating. The memory flicked by in seconds before it was replaced by Porsha’s sister Cali and me sharing an ice-cream cone on the beach. Once I realized what was happening, I yanked the dang thing off my head, and slapped it on hers.

“No!” she screamed, far too late. It had only taken her a second to jerk away, but I saw the screen flash with memories of her own. She bristled, and cuffs shot out of the chair and snatched my wrists down to my sides.

“Hypocrite.”

She closed her eyes and looked away. Dr. Sparrow was back to professional apathy just after she smoothed a wing down her feathers. “Your memories show that you’ve gone through periods of being mated to several partners before. Both male and female. Are you out of season for males?”

“Are you asking me if I’m a seasonal lesbian?”

She merely blinked at me.

“Yes, I’m out of season for males. I can only take dick once every two years. It’s a medical condition, you see.”

Her brow furrowed. “Hmm, your last male was only a month ago.”

“I’m aware.”

“Our mission cannot wait two years to see results. We need all mated females to begin reproducing as soon as possible to help establish a sustainable population for the Sankado. If this is a medical condition, then perhaps we can find a cure. Can you describe the conditions that lead you to enter your next cycle?”

“Of course,” I nodded. “It was on the blood moon of the fourth month of a wombat’s second cycle. The high order shines a beacon off the Great Wall of China to alert me.” I looked out the window and scanned the horizon. “And I see no beacon.”

Tiny fingers flew furiously over her keyboard. “Subject needs…beacon to trigger male season.”

It’s so cute when they’re dumb.

An enraged yellow Biwban slammed the door open with a shout. “YOU CHEATED ON ME?!”

The doc gave a long, suffering sigh. “Not now, Din.”

“Don’t give me that shit, Gendula! I saw you on the memory log, the entire department did!”

My jaw was on the floor. The entire department? The money I would’ve paid to see that in real time. Just Gendula’s cheating ass up on the big screen for the whole operation to see. Served her right.

“Din, be reasonable. The memory converter was only on my head for a moment. You above all of us should know it needs at least five minutes to get an accurate reading.”

Oh, this gaslighting little Biwban.