Page 32 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

Never mind, not important.

I clapped my hands together. “Great! First question: Are Sankado babies born with horns?”

I want kids, but not at the expense of being gored from the inside out.

“Um…” Her crest feathers twitched. She cast a glance at Osid before nervously looking back at me. When I turned to him, the king narrowed his eyes but stayed silent. When I held his gaze, his tail flicked against my leg again, harder this time.

Crossing my arms over my chest, I returned my attention to the doctor. “All right, next question.”

Slap.

“Do you know the gestation period of their species?”

Dr. Hilt let out a trill of excitement. “Yes! The gestation period of the Sankado translates to roughly four of your Earth months. During our test simulations, we’ve come to expect that your gestation period would be around seven to eight months.”

“Not bad, not bad. I could get behind a slightly shorter pregnancy.” So long as it wasn’t something insane like those two-year pregnancies elephants had, I could deal with it. I sat up on the couch, placed my hands over my knees, and said, “Let’s talk accommodations.”

“We’ve built some wonderful cul-de-sacs farther out from the female enclosure center.”

“I’m going to stop you right there. Dorothy already told me about that Wild West–style nonsense y’all built with your interns and your three days of research. By the way, you should have added at least an extra day to learn about human pregnancy. Because let me tell you, that shit? Sensitive,” I hissed. “As in, even if I do fall pregnant, there’s no telling what could happen if my needs aren’t properly met. Don’t even get me started on cycle complications. There’s a chance I won’t be able to fall pregnant at all!”

The doctor’s body rose higher as her feathers flattened at her sides. I’d never smelled fear before, but I could in that moment, and fear was delicious.

I sighed wistfully and cast my eyes to the floor. My hand came to my stomach before I softened my voice to a morose whimper. “Even a bit of stress can cause a woman to miscarry in the first few weeks of pregnancy. In the later months, I’ll be practically useless and sick. I don’t know what this female enclosure is, but if it’s anything like the homes Dorothy described, or that camp,” I said, making air quotes with my fingers, “that Osid had me in, that’s not going to cut it. I can tell you right now, this whole operation will fail if I have to stay there.”

“W-what accommodations do you need?” she asked. Her body shook; a few white feathers fluttered to the desk in front of her.

I leaned back in my chair and smiled. “I want a house on the beach, Queen Anne style. I’m talking asymmetrical façade with polygonal towers, dentils, oriel windows, AND bay windows! If you don’t know what that is, I’ll draw you a picture.”

“Why are the windows important?” she asked nervously.

I scoffed, looking at her in disbelief. Then I snapped my fingers and scoffed again. “Why are the windows important? You’re honestly asking me why the windows are important?”

Fuck, think, why are the windows important?

The doctor shrank in her chair, trying against all hope that she could melt into a puddle away from my wrath. I pinned her down with a look and tried to think. Seconds ticked by, and she grew restless.

I did not think this through.

“You idiot,” said a voice so deep it made me shiver. Dr. Hilt and I slowly turned our attention to the king on the other end of the couch. Osid had burned a hole through his gag.

Turns out the smell of fear was just burnt cloth. Who knew?

“She’ll be extremely sensitive to temperature and light in the later stages of pregnancy. Are you sick bastards expecting my wife to freeze every quarter of the day all because you were too frugal to listen when she tells you her cycle’s needs?” Osid shifted toward me as much as his bindings would allow and growled, “Untie me.”

My hand came to the strap of cloth that hung on by a few threads underneath his lip. Gently, I ran my fingers underneath the fabric along his strong jaw. His lips curved, then disappeared when I pulled until unburnt cloth shut him up.

Settling back in my seat, I conceded, “He’s right, though. I will be sensitive to temperature.”

Dr. Hilt abandoned her fake relationship with the papers on her desk and typed furiously on the screen that came out of her wing. “Understood, we’ll get started on this immediately.”

Taking the chance for an out, I stood up and dusted myself off. “Look, you’ve obviously got a few budget things to move around, so we’ll leave it at that for now. Go ahead and drop me off with the other ladies. We can interview the other men on this planet like an episode of The Bachelor or something. Either way, the ship has sailed on Mr. Tall, Dark, and Domineering. So go ahead and turn off whatever this, eh…” I snapped my fingers trying to think of the right word. When it didn’t come to me, I reached over and tugged down Osid’s gag. “Darlin’, what’s the word?”

“It’s called a Zhali bond, but—”

I put the gag back.

“Right, turn off this Z thing, and I’ll go pick out a hot alpha alien of my own.” Just to be an extra special bitch, I cast a glance at Osid and asked, “You know, that druid guy looked pretty cute. Is he single?”