Page 4 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

“But—”

“No,” I stated firmly, grabbing my guitar. My phone buzzed in my pocket. The caller ID read “Red Car.” I blocked the number, then set my phone down on the counter and checked my eyeliner.

“Bad date?” Porsha asked.

“No, they were fine. And we move on.”

“Damn, that’s cold.”

I shrugged. “What do you want me to do, send them a fruit basket? We had some fun in the sun, the pool, Jackie’s greenhouse—”

“What?” cried Jackie.

“And now we go our separate ways,” I finished.

Porsha shook her head. “Girl, you need to be careful playing with these hearts.”

“Excuse you, I’m clean. All my partners get tested.”

“I meant attracting crazy people, Blair.” Porsha stuck a hand on her hip, glaring at me the way she always did before launching into another true-crime safety briefing. “There was this guy who offered a woman his watch, only to report it stolen and have her arrested. Just so she would be brought back to him and be under his control!”

I rubbed at my temples. “Porsha, darling, sweetheart, that was Alchemy of Souls. We watched it together.”

Her mouth fell open before she patted her hair and turned away. “Oh.”

“Forget my dating habits. After we win this competition, I’ll have enough money to abscond to a beach somewhere anytime I need to get away from a clinger. I haven’t met anybody yet that could match my freak, and I refuse to settle for a damn thing.”

“Say it again; it sounded so sweet,” Jackie said, smiling. She got up from her chair and clasped each of us on the shoulder. “Fuck settling, fuck my dad; Porsha, I don’t know who pissed you off—”

“Darius, from my spin class.”

“Then fuck Darius too! After today, we’ll be swimming in record deals and more money than we know what to do with.”

“Oh my god, I could quit my job,” Porsha gushed. “No more cleaning up animal shit!”

“You mean pay your bail after they found out you stole that snake,” I corrected.

“Don’t stress, it’ll be fine. I just have to get her back before they do the security rounds in the morning. They take that shit pretty seriously after a sea lion got shot in a drive-by.”

“I…bitch, what zoo do you work at?”

“Hey, guys?” Jackie asked.

“Look, I’m telling you it’s fine. And I still think we should give the snake a try.”

“Guys?” Jackie called again.

I held up a finger to Jackie and shouted, “For the last time, I am not kissing a snake.”

“Guys!”

“What?” Porsha and I yelled in unison.

“Where’s the snake?” Jackie asked in a voice way too damn calm to announce that a venomous snake was now on the loose.

I looked over to see an empty cage. Porsha sucked her teeth. “Well, that’s not good.”

“Oh shit,” I screamed, jumping up on the counter. “Porsha! Porsha, where’s the damn snake?”