Page 60 of I Punched an Alien and Now We’re in Couples Therapy

A pathetic sounding bleat came from behind the Christmas tree. Rudolph poked his head out soon after and trotted over to me.

“Oh, there you are, good reindeer.” I wove the light around his antlers. Once done, I grabbed hold of the front of his saddle and swung one leg over his back. Or I tried to. I couldn’t quite get my leg over the hump and ended up sliding off. I tried again with a little jump and damn near fell on my face. They make mounting a horse look so easy in the movies.

Backing up a few steps, I shook out my hands and got ready. “Third time’s the charm.” I bolted forward, ready to jump on, but a piercing cramp shot up my leg. “Ow! Fucking charley horse!”

“What’s the holdup?” Osid asked, looking back. Krampus swatted him as soon as his back was turned. The king went flying before landing in a heap not far from me. Groaning, he pushed himself back up and shook the snow from his hair.

“Are you all right?”

“Does it look like I’m all right?”

“All right, jeez, so testy.”

“Testy?” he repeated with contempt. He stalked over and hoisted me onto the saddle. I slipped my feet into the stirrups just as he placed the reins in my hands. “I already don’t have much faith in your plan as it is. Whatever you’re going to do, you better do it quick before that thing kills us both.”

“It’ll work,” I hissed. “You just need to catch another reindeer and grab the nose after I trap him in the lake.”

“Oh, just catch another flying beast with horns bigger than my torso? Is that all?” he sneered.

“No,” I said, putting a hand on my hip. “You’ll also need to be the one to grab the nose. It’s only two steps, my darling, do you really need me to write them down?”

“Fine, I’ll catch your reindeer.” Osid hooked a finger beneath the chain of my necklace and lifted until the Tamagotchi slipped out from beneath my shirt. “I better hear this cursed thing sing after I’m done. At least three bars.” He turned and walked away.

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” I called after him.

“Three bars,” he shouted, not looking back. Krampus ripped the candy shop clear off its foundation and shook the contents into his waiting maw.

Steeling myself, I flicked the reins and said, “On Rudolph! To the top of the giant’s nose and on to the deepest depths of the lake! Now dash away! Dash away!”

Rudolph obeyed, leaping into the air with the powerful kick of his hind legs. In three strides, we had risen above the rooftops and onward toward victory. Instead of the sniveling sad sack he’d been only moments before, the sense of purpose had renewed the reindeer’s lease on life, and he charged at Krampus with the steely authority of a warhorse.

I, however, made the mistake of looking down. Only to realize that I was terrified of heights.

The buildings beneath me shrank to the size of a mere dollhouse. Ice froze my veins, and I let off a bloodcurdling scream so loud that Krampus, Osid, Dasher, Prancer, Vixen, and all them other reindeer fucks turned to look at me, baffled.

I was a lot of things, but I was no damn quitter. So I kept screaming and kicked Rudolph to go even faster, because fuck kaijus, fuck aliens, and fuck heights!

Rudolph flew past Krampus’s face. I locked an arm around his neck and used my free hand to flip him the bird. “Hey, you giant sadistic Santa reject, you want these red lights? You come and get them!”

The monster’s piercing red eyes locked on to the blinking Christmas lights around Rudolph’s neck. Krampus let out a strangled cry before reaching out for us. With a sharp flick of the reins, Rudolph was off toward the lake, Krampus hot on his heels. His clawed hand took a swing at us, nearly clipping Rudolph’s flank before the reindeer could lurch out of the way.

My stomach shot down to my feet when we dipped again; the ground rushed up to meet us. Rudolph veered upward, clipping the tops of pine trees as he shot up and away from Krampus.

“I HATE THIS!” I screamed as Rudolph dodged another swipe. He kicked his legs faster, and the wind swallowed my scream until my cheeks pulled back, exposing my gums to the icy cold. Tears of panic froze along my face. I shut my eyes as the bravery bled from me. The lake came into view not long after. My foot slipped from the stirrup, and I screamed so hard I felt my lungs clenched from the lack of oxygen. Latching both arms around Rudolph’s neck, I carefully slipped my foot back in place and checked to see if Krampus was still following us. Spoiler alert, he was.

“Okay, you got this, Blair. There’s a lake, the monster’s behind us, everything is going to go according to plan if you can get off this death trap of a reindeer.” Taking a deep breath for fortitude, I turned around and sneered at the oncoming kaiju. “Is that all you got, you son of a bitch?!”

Krampus raged, striking out at us yet again. When Rudolph slipped just out of his reach, Krampus slammed his fist on the ground again and again before launching after us onto the ice. His hooves slipped, and he slid forward on hands and knees before clambering upright to give chase.

I guided Rudolph to the center of the lake and turned him around to face the monster. Waving my arms like a lunatic, I taunted, “Your old dusty ass ain’t shit! This is why Mrs. Claus went for Santa. Ain’t nobody want to deal with your slobbering, matted, icicle-hair bullshit!”

I don’t know if it was the shot at his hair or the dig about Mrs. Claus, but Krampus crashed out, lunging in a desperate bid to scoop us up. Rudolph flung us higher in the air, out of his reach. Krampus jumped up, trying to grab us, and the ice cracked beneath his hooves when he slammed down.

Excited, I darted a little closer and spat in his face before rising up again. Screaming, Krampus stomped his hooves again, then took his sack from his back and swung it at us like a net. The momentum caused him to slip, and he fell on his ass, only for the ice to crack like spiderwebs beneath him. His eyes widened before he tried to scramble up. Alas, the frantic movements only sealed his fate, and the ice broke under his weight, and he plunged into the lake. Flailing his arms, Krampus tried to grab hold of the ledge, but it broke beneath him. He grabbed on to the sheet of ice, trying to steady himself, but flipped onto his back, exposing his neck.

“Osid,” I screamed, “now!”

Osid rose from the trees on the back of Blitzen and shot forward. Reaching out, he snatched the pendant from Krampus’s necklace and flew back out of reach. He flew up beside me, raising the stolen nose triumphantly. I threw up my arms and cheered, but it turned midway to a scream when I tilted back a little too far and remembered I was very, very high off the ground. Locking my arms back around Rudolph’s neck, I smiled. “We did it! We actually did it!”