Page 22 of What Should Have Been Ours

I exhale, trying to process all of this. Because while I was spending years missing him, forcing myself to keep going without him, convincing myself he had moved on, he was doing the same thing for different reasons.

I set my mug down, leaning forward on the table slightly. “That wasn’t your decision to make,” I say, my voice steadier than I feel.

His eyes snap to mine, something almost sad sits there.

“I know…and I never stopped regretting it.”

Silence settles between us, but it’s not uncomfortable. It’s just…heavy.

Twelve years of distance. Twelve years of so much left unsaid.

I should change the subject. Lighten things up. But I don’t want to.

10

Cameron

Why didn’t you try to find me?

If she only knew just how many times I wanted to. How many times I tried to.

I thought, after all the time that had passed, that she would have moved on with her life in a way I no longer fit into anymore. That’s what I told myself she needed to do. She didn’t need to be attached to someone who had a high chance of dying early in life. She had been cancer-free for a while before I relapsed that last time and had to leave. I wanted her to have a normal life going forward. Not stuck in the same cycle over and over again. I saw how it broke her each time.

If I’m being honest with myself, even back then, I never thought I was good enough for her, and sometimes I felt like leaving her behind gave her the chance to find someone who was.

But the more time that went by, the more I still wanted to be the someone who could become good enough for her.

No matter how many times I tried—really tried—I never fell in love again after Gabrielle.

I had hook-ups and not-so-serious relationships, but I could never get myself to feel the things I knew I was supposed to with anyone else. I could never feel the same way I felt with her. Trust me, I tried.

I tried to want someone else the way I wanted her. I tried to convince myself that what I had with her was just an innocent childhood love story. Something that didn’t mean as much as I had built up in my head.

For a while, I even started to resent Gabrielle for plaguing my love life. No woman was ever good enough, no woman met the standards she set for me.

I wanted to hate her for haunting every kiss I had. Every date. Every possible new start. Even showing up in my head every time I had another woman under me, making love to her memory instead of the woman I was with.

But how do you resent someone for something they didn’t even know they were doing?

How can you blame them for ruining you when they never asked you to let them go?

I never stood a chance with anyone else.

And sitting here now, looking at her, I know I never will.

“Are you happy?” Gabrielle asks, catching me completely off guard.

Happy?

“Happy in my career? Yeah. Happy with my accomplishments? Sure. Happy that I’m still here, living, fighting, not scared of dying anymore? Of course…but what does any of that matter if I don’t have someone to share it all with?”

I see her taking in my answer, thinking about what it means.

“Oh, so—you’re…single ?” she asks.

I wanted to laugh at how adorable she was right now, but I don’t want her to think I’m laughing at her. I think her being so naive about what I feel for her is the sweetest thing in the world. It makes it that much more special.

“Yeah. I don’t really do relationships anymore. I tried, but they never worked.”