Page 21 of What Should Have Been Ours

He grins. “Probably best if you don’t.”

I shake my head, but my chest tightens a little.

He has an entire life I don’t know about.

Friends, inside jokes, stories that don’t involve me.

It shouldn’t sting.

But it does.

I know it’s been twelve years, and it shouldn’t surprise me that his life has gone on like normal without me in it. Of course, it has. Both of our lives had to keep moving. But it’s one thing to know it and something entirely different to see it.

“When did you move back to the city?” he asks.

“Um, back when I started college, actually. But my mom is still back in New Jersey. She loves to come into the city, but after we all moved, she said she couldn’t go back to living on top of everyone like that again.”

Cam laughs. “Yeah, I can understand that. I miss New Jersey. It definitely still holds some of my favorite memories.”

I can’t help but blush at that, and I hope he doesn’t see it.

When our parents moved us out to New Jersey together, it quickly became a place we made our own little paradise. A lot of good memories were made there together as teenagers, but a lot of dark and sad moments were also created there after he left.

It gets quiet again, and I grip my mug tighter, trying to steal some of its warmth. I can feel Cam’s stare. Watching me carefully like he always has, trying to figure out what thoughts are swimming around in my head, like he knows this conversation needs to go deeper, and we’re just tiptoeing around it.

And maybe we shouldn’t.

Maybe that’s why, before I can stop myself, I blurt out, “Did you ever think about me? Through all these years?”

Cam stills.

I instantly regret asking it, wishing I could take it back. Maybe he didn’t want to rehash the past. Maybe he just wanted to catch up with an old friend. That’s all this was—

“I never stopped thinking about you, Gabrielle,” he says, pulling me out of my spiraling thoughts.

My heart seizes.

He says it so matter-of-factly, like he didn’t even need to think about it.

“Then why—” I pause, trying to keep my voice steady when I ask, “Why didn’t you try to find me?”

Cam drags a hand through his hair, shaking his head like he doesn’t even know where to start. “I wanted to. More times than I can count. I just…never followed through.”

“Why?” I ask quietly.

He hesitates for a beat. “Because I didn’t think you wanted me to, and…I told myself I needed to let you move on.”

I blink several times. A little puzzled.

That was not the answer I was expecting.

“What?” I scoff, narrowing my eyes at him. “What do you mean you didn’t think I wanted you to?”

Cam rubs the back of his neck, looking almost uncomfortable for the first time since I sat down with him. “I don’t know, Gab. It all got really dark for a while, and I didn’t want you to see that. And then after things were finally better…there was just so much time that had passed. I thought…maybe you had moved on. Maybe it would be better if I just left you alone.”

I stare at him in disbelief. “You thought I wouldn’t want to hear from you? After everything?”

He huffs a quiet laugh, shaking his head. “I don’t know what I thought. All I know is that every time I got close to reaching out, I convinced myself it wasn’t a good idea. That I never deserved you to begin with, and that I was never promised a good future I could give you, so it was probably better for you to have a clean slate. Find someone better. Someone who wasn’t waiting to die.”