Page 226 of The Bonds of Indigo

“Yeah, she’s quite delusional. Or, was.” I sit forward and grab my hair, dragging it over my shoulder. It didn’t go unnoticed it was washed when I woke.

My appreciation for these men goes beyond words, but for them to have kept me clean while I was recovering, it means everything to me.

“She couldn’t end my life because she… knew of the deal I made with the mirror. It was a long, long fight…” I hold back the memories of that night. Falling into those images will drag me to begin cracking, and I don’t want that. That isn’t what this conversation is about, anyhow.

“Why that town?”

I suck air through my teeth and sigh. “Some non-pureblood Yldarwrights, but most were what was left of the first born. The original holders of magic before my people came to Earth. They had long lost their wings before then, and it was time to pass the mantel. They were good people…” The sting of heat behind my eyes draws my palm up to press against them one at a time, willing myself not to cry. “It wasn’t enough she killed my family—she annihilated an entire race. Only one child survived to be the last of the First. How… heartbreaking.”

The bed dips at my right, and it’s Lucifer’s hand that presses against the base of my spine. He says nothing, which I appreciate. I want to keep going and just get this over with.

“I’d made a deal with Verraketh—my life for hers. If I died, it would take hers, but there is always a catch with the mirror. I couldn’t end my own life; someone else had to. Vendra wouldn’t allow it, and Thornwyn got in the way every time I tried.”

Kayn’s feet come into view as I keep my head down. “That was then, and she’s already trapped. Why would you want me to end your life?”

I shake my head. “Guilt… Living with what I did, and⁠—”

“You have nothing to feel guilty for, Amarah. You did more than most would. You suffered⁠—”

“I didn’t do enough.” I cut Lucifer off. “But regardless, it isn’t for what she did. It was for what I did. I took the very essence of those kids. I mutilated them, took their hearts, and paid them to Verraketh. Do you understand they can never be reborn when that happens? I may not have killed them, but I may as well have. There will be no rebirth. They will go to the Vayl, and their souls will stay young, in a world of growth, forever.”

My hands open and I rest my face in them. I can feel the cracks in my skin breaking, tearing down and showcasing that I will never be free from this feeling. That I’m just as broken as I was the moment the curse was placed on me, and no amount of help can fix me.

“I’m reminded every time I look in the mirror, that what stares back at me, is a monster.”

Hands grip my wrists, tearing them away from my face. It’s Kayn’s face I see. He’s kneeling in front of me, shaking his head viciously.

“Stop.” He reaches for my cheek, swiping away the tear that managed to escape. “Gods, Amarah, none of that is your fault.”

Lucifer takes the back of my neck gently and leans his forehead against my temple. “I know monsters, dollface, and I promise you, you’re so far from one it’s laughable.”

As Kayn sits up, he brings himself eye level with me. “Luce told me you were terrified to tell me. Why? In what world would you think I’d ever leave you?”

I release a shaky breath and drop my gaze. “Self-doubt that anyone would ever choose me… considering I wouldn’t even choose myself.”

“Well, let me put that dumb shit to rest.” He grabs my chin and directs me to look at him. “This world could crumble into nothing, and as long as I had you two left, my world would still be together. I choose you, and Lucifer, for as long as my head stays attached to my shoulders.”

Heat tingles across my cheeks, up my nose, and straight to my eyes. “Promise?”

“Promise, little slayer.” The pad of his thumb drags across my lips. “You’re not allowed to die and leave me. And I’m not killing you, so you better give me another name—but not right now, please. I’ll be your personal executioner another day.”

I nod, and look over to Lucifer as he drags the back of his hand across my temple. “We aren’t the stupid ones here⁠—”

“Hey, now.”

“He’s just as obsessed with you as he is with me. And look at the lengths he went for me.”

“That’s true…”

His warm smile brings out the dimples in both cheeks, and he leans his forehead against mine. “I’m quite obsessed too,” he murmurs, brushing a kiss against the highlight of my cheekbone. “Ours.”

“Absolutely fucking ours,” Kayn says while cradling my face. “You understand that, right, Amarah?”

Although there’s still so much to divulge about everything that happened that night—and about my life—I’m ready to fall into these men. Ready to think of nothing but their touch. I want to feel their outpouring of affection again, now that they know what I’ve done. I hope it feels as it did before.

“Yes, I understand, baby.”

He groans through his explicative. “Fuck.”