Page 21 of Smitty

“And it’s greatly appreciated it.”

“I do what I can.” He gave me a shrug before taking a long sip of his wine. “Alright, tell me all about it.”

Like always, I didn’t give him names, ages, or anything else he could ever use to identify the people in my stories. I just gave him the gist of it, including the way Dylan reacted when I asked about Jimmy and how concerned his mother appeared.

I told him that I finally felt like I was getting somewhere, but I wasn’t sure which direction to go next. Ryan listened without interrupting and only asked questions when it really mattered. He was patient like that, and it was one of the many things I found endearing about him. By the time I finished, most of the food was gone, and the bottle of wine was empty.

He gave me one of his reassuring smiles. “You were right to trust your instincts.”

“Thanks.”

“Any time.”

We sat there for a moment, letting the comfortable silence settle over us, and when Anslee started to whine, Ryan held up his hand. “I’ve got her. I’ve got this, too. You go take a hot bath and relax for a bit.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely, but you’re on duty the next couple of nights.”

“Of course.” I paused just long enough to add, “It would be a great time for you to go on a date.”

“Will you go already?”

“Okay. Okay. Holler if you need me.”

“I won’t.”

Without another word, he turned his attention to the mess, picking up the food containers and the empty wine bottle, and my heart melted a little.

He was one of the good ones.

He wasn’t there to keep score. He was just being a good friend and trying to be supportive when I needed it most. Lately, that was happening more often than I cared to admit. He was everything a partner should be. That should have been enough, and I hated that it wasn’t. Despite how I’d tried to encourage him to find his special someone, I couldn’t help but feel as if Ryan was waiting for me to change my mind about him.

Sadly, that wasn’t going to happen.

Not even if I wanted it to.

I got up and started out of the room, watching as Anslee continued playing with her blocks. I didn’t disturb her. I simply slipped through the doorway and made my way to the bathroom.

A few minutes later, I was undressed and easing into the most wonderful bubble bath. My thoughts drifted to Ryan and the look on his face when I suggested he go on a date. He wasn’t happy about the suggestion. He didn’t get that I just wanted him to be happy and have someone to love. And for them to love him back.

I knew what that kind of love was like.

I knew what it was like to miss someone before they’d even left and what it was like to lose hours talking about absolutely nothing. I knew how it felt to be touched in a way you could feel it all the way down to your toes and to long for someone in a way that made your whole body ache.

It had been years, but I still remembered the feeling.

I worried I might never forget. I worried I might never love another because they weren’t him. It was sad. Because after everything, after all this time, it was still him. And no matter how wonderful Ryan was to me or how much he loved me, some part of me would always compare him to a ghost.

I wasn’t sure if I had it in me to stop.

And I wasn’t sure if I wanted to.

5

SMITTY

When a brother calls asking for help, you don’t ask questions.