Page 50 of Smitty

I could’ve kept going, but I noticed a change in his demeanor.

His smile was gone, and his eyes were filled with anguish. “I missed all of it… I wasn't there when she was born… I missed her first smile… Her first steps.”

My chest tightened. Every memory I'd been grateful for was one he’d missed. “I know, and I’m so sorry. There were so many nights I wanted to call you. I wanted you there… I wanted her to know you.”

“I would’ve been there. I wouldn’t have missed a second of it.” His eyes grew dark. “Nothing could’ve kept me from you. Nothing.”

The certainty in his words shattered what was left of me. All this time, I'd believed he'd chosen another life. Another woman. Instead, he'd been living without ever knowing the best part of his life had already been born. And that hurt even more than believing he'd stopped loving me.

Neither of us spoke.

We just stood there, staring out at the lake. He was still watching the water when he asked, “Can I ask you something?”

I nodded.

“Are you happy? With him and everything?” That was one question I wasn’t expecting and wasn't sure how to answer. When I didn’t immediately respond, he added, “I know it probably isn’t my place to ask anymore… but I’d still like to know.”

The question hit hard.

After everything, he still cared.

“I’m not sure how to answer that.”

“Just tell me the truth.”

“The truth. I’m not sure what the truth is anymore.” I let out a shaky laugh. “I love Anslee and every second I get to spend with her, and I love my job. I like helping families, and I actually feel like I’m helping people.”

“I always knew you would.”

“I like the house and my friends, but…”

He didn’t say anything, which made me regret ever saying anything.

You would’ve thought that would’ve shut me up.

I didn’t. Instead, I doubled down.

“Ryan’s wonderful. He loves me, and he adores Anslee. He takes such good care of us both…” His blue eyes seemed to pierce right through me. “He really is a good man.”

“He’s good with Anslee. You can’t fake that.”

“No, you can’t. And she loves him for it.”

“And what about you?” My breath caught. “Do you love him?”

“Yes, I love him.” I could’ve left it at that. I probably should have, but I didn’t. “He’s kind and patient, better than I could’ve asked for… But I don’t love him the way he wants me to… Not the way he deserves. He’s a friend. A very good, wonderful friend.”

“I see.”

I shrugged. “I kept telling myself that what I felt was enough, that the spark would come, but it never did.”

He didn’t respond.

He just looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes, and the world seemed to go still around us. But the world was still out there, and it was waiting for us to figure this thing out.

Anslee was a big part of that, so I suggested, “We should plan a day for you to meet her.”

“When?”