Page 60 of Smitty

It didn’t matter.

He already knew.

He looked down into his coffee for several long seconds before asking so quietly I almost missed it. “Do you care about me at all?”

“You know I do.”

The answer came without hesitation. I did care. I’d cared about him from the start. He looked up at me, searching my face, and some tension left his shoulders. Then he asked the question I wasn’t prepared for.

“Do you still love him?”

The air left my lungs.

“Do we have to do this right now?”

“It’s just a simple question between friends.”

“It doesn’t feel that way.” I looked over at Anslee, hoping a glimpse of her might ground me. She was smashing what was left of her Cheerios and looked quite proud of herself. Despite the hard look Ryan was giving me, I smiled and said, “Careful there. You’ll make a mess.”

“I’m just asking a simple question.”

I picked up a washcloth and gently wiped cereal from Anslee’s chin, then lifted her into my arms. “I still care about him, Ryan. I always have.”

Ryan stepped in front of me, blocking my way as he pushed, “Even after what he did.”

“It’s complicated.” I rested my forehead against Anslee’s for just a second before finally looking at him and saying, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Then don’t.”

“I’ve always been honest with you.”

Ryan looked like I’d just stabbed him in the heart, but he didn’t say anything. He just gave me a simple nod, like he expected my answer, then stared at the wall. Eventually, he looked back over to me and asked, “Do you still want me to be a part of your life?”

“I can’t believe you asked that.”

I couldn’t imagine a question that could hurt more. Ryan had always meant the world to me. He’d stepped up in ways no one else did, and he’d done it without question. He was such a great friend, but in my eyes, that was all he’d ever been.

A friend.

Regardless, he was right. He did deserve an answer. He deserved certainty.

“Of course, I do.” I couldn’t look at him as I said, “But not in the way you want me to be. I never have.”

He let out a breath. It wasn’t dramatic, but it was enough to let me know I’d hurt him. And I hated myself for it. I held Anslee a little tighter than usual as I grabbed her diaper bag and the rest of my things. Ryan followed me to the front door and muttered, “Can we at least talk about all this?”

“Yes, but right now, I’ve really got to go. I have a meeting and…”

“Just tell me one thing,” he interrupted.

“Ryan…”

“Have I ever stood a chance?”

The question hung between us like a wall of hurt and regret. All I had to do was say yes. It was one simple word. One tiny little lie. It would’ve put an end to this conversation for good, but I stood there, silently staring at the doorknob while tears filled my eyes.

“Brooke,” he pushed again.

“I can’t do this right now.” I turned, and his eyes searched mine one last time, looking for hope that I couldn’t give me. “I’ll see you tonight.”