Page 2 of The Casanova Complex

I’m always the fuck buddy, never the boyfriend.

And up until that moment, when Maisie Delacroix turned me down, I didn’t realize that I even wanted to be the boyfriend.

At first, I wanted her because I couldn’t have her. She’s one of the only girls I’ve ever tried to bag and couldn’t. But then the more she turned me down, laughing and rolling her eyes at how unserious and noncommittal I am, the more I realized that I truly did want her.

I actually liked her.

I wasn’t in love or anything crazy like that, but let’s just say Mais was an eye-opener for me.

We’re still friends, and now I know that’s for the better. But everything changed when I realized that what I want, what I really want deep down beneath my facade of confidence and ego and nonchalance, is something real.

It sounds cheesy and ridiculous, yeah.

I thought so, too, at first.

But it’s still the truth. And I can’t just go back to the way it was before. Believe me, I tried.

Contrary to what everyone on Orleans University’s campus believes, I want something more. Something substantive. Someone who makes my heart beat too fast, who gives me that permanent goofy, lovesick grin on my face.

That’s how I ended up here.

One hundred and eighty-seven days clean of random, meaningless hookups.

You see, in all of these realizations, the most important one of all is that I, Bennett Jude Legros, am an addict.

Not a sex addict, which is what I know you’re probably thinking, given the context.

I love sex, a whole fucking lot, but no.

That’s not what I’m addicted to.

It’s the chase.

That high, the rush of dopamine and serotonin firing in my brain when I’m chasing after someone new. The flirting, the late-night texts, the sneaking out of a window at her sorority house so the house mom doesn’t find me.

That irreplaceable feeling of being wanted.

Even if it was only for a night of incredible sex.

All of that is a thing of the past now that I’ve taken a vow of celibacy.

I realized that I couldn’t just keep chasing a temporary high, not when it quickly faded and left me feeling empty.

So, I swore off women.

I knew the only way I was going to become a recovering addict was to quit cold turkey. Take a break from women altogether to purge them completely out of my system.

Which means I’m on a detox… indefinitely.

No meaningless hookups.

No kissing, no fucking, no touching whatsoever.

No flirting at parties, no late-night texts.

Not until I find something that’s more.

I’m not going to lie… it’s been a challenge. A real uphill battle.