Page 12 of Speed

"Okay," I said, softening my tone, "you're not like your dad. I see that now, and I believe you. But why was it so important for you to tell me that?"

"I don't know, Kayla. I guess I care what you think about me. Is that so hard to believe?"

That actually was hard to believe, and I didn't know what to say. In the past few minutes, I'd seen sides of Axel that I'd never known existed. None of it matched up with the image I'd retained of the cocky, sullen hotshot who had never seemed to even know I was alive. Now I'd just learned that he didn't get close to women, and he cared what I thought about him.

I took a few sips of my drink, thinking. Axel looked completely deflated.

I reached my hand out to his. "I've always thought you were terrific, Axel."

His laugh was filled with derision. "Is that why you told me you never wanted to see me again?"

I couldn't look at him then, for fear he'd see the thoughts and memories flooding my mind. I couldn't tell him that I didn't want to see him again because I couldn't handle it. My heart couldn't handle it.

The silence between us carried on for several eternal moments. My hand was still resting on his. Eventually, I noticed it there and it felt awkward so I started to draw it back. As soon as I moved, Axel grabbed my hand and held it tightly in his. He leaned in closer to me, and I was compelled to do the same.

"I felt something between us, Kayla, and I think you felt it too."

I couldn't breathe. I just focused on his hand holding mine. It felt like the room was spinning around me, moving like a cyclone and drawing out all of the air.

"Look at me," Axel said in a quiet, commanding voice.

I managed to meet his brown eyes, which were burning into mine.

"I can't stop thinking about our kiss, about your body pressed against mine. I want you, Kayla, and when we kissed, it felt like you wanted me too."

It was too much. Way too much. My internal wall crumbled and everything I was feeling came tumbling out.

"Of course I wanted you." I pulled my hand free of his and felt bitter tears well up in my eyes. I raised my voice and laid myself bare, while I could still talk without crying. "I've wanted you since I first met you. I've wanted you all these years."

Axel stiffened with surprise. I felt like a fool, but I didn't care. It felt good to get it out. All these years of longing, all these wasted years. Maybe this, finally, was the release I needed in order to move on. My confession and my redemption. Maybe I was free.

I glanced up at him; his eyes were wide and then began to search mine. I reached around for my bag, quickly found a few bills, and tossed them on the table as I stood to leave.

Axel was up just as quickly. "Where are you going?"

"I can't be with you, Axel. I can't have a fling with you. My heart can't handle it."

CHAPTER 9

REFLECTION

AXEL

I couldn't believe I was watching her walk away from me again. And yet again, I felt powerless to stop her.

She was hurting, badly, and it killed me to let her go, but I knew that I was the cause of her pain and that I would only make things worse by going after her.

Her use of the word "fling" kept coming back to me. It wasn't a word I used, but it was probably accurate. I had flings, but not much more. And I couldn't imagine having a fling with Kayla. It was clear that I hadn't thought this through. What had I imagined happening when I came down here tonight? I'd tell her I wanted her, we'd sleep together, and then I'd say goodbye, and we'd be… friends?

I hadn't taken Kayla's feelings into account, and how could I, when I hadn't known how she felt. Now that I knew—I shook my head, as if clearing out fog, and was surprised to see activity going on around me in the bar. I'd been totally lost in my thoughts.

Marlee came back to the table then and saw that I was alone. "I guess that didn't go too well, huh?"

"Could you please make sure she's okay?" I asked.

She nodded, and I made her promise to check on Kayla that night.

It didn't feel right leaving town, but I was expected at team meetings in a week, and before that, I needed to visit my mom in Brussels. I hadn't seen her at Christmas, and I'd promised to visit her before the season got started.