Page 130 of Use Me Up

So, that was where we conceived, right there in the back seat of the car, without even taking all our clothes off.

hannah

The weekend that I end up conceiving is the weekend that Andrew and I talk. It’s weird sometimes, when I think about how Gatlin’s sperm were all swimming around in me, honing in on me right exactly during that conversation.

We talk during the Callie hand-off.

Calliope talks a lot on the ride up to meet her husband, but it’s mostly talk of the shame, what-is-wrong-with-me variety. I’ve been through this with Ellis, and I find I have patience with him when he does it and about zero patience with Callie.

I’m not sure why that is. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent too much time resenting her and feeling jealous of her and not measuring up to her, and whenever she is this—so unappealing that I can’t even understand why anyone wants her—it makes me livid.

I want to shake her. I want to say to her that if she feels this guilty afterward, maybe she could have a modicum of foresight before she acted like an idiot in the first place.

On the other hand, I have never bothered saying this to Ellis, because it’s very obvious Ellis is not actually in possession of foresight. Or, if he is, he just doesn’t care. When Ellis gets into his little kicks, I could tell him that if he does this, he will set himself on fire, and he’d just grin a maniacal grin at me and tell me the flames would be pretty.

Fuck them both, seriously.

He’s being so nice to her on the ride back. He sympathizes with everything she says. He keeps reassuring her that she’s going to be okay, that she’s going to be a good mom, that Andrew will always love her.

Admittedly, Ellis is really careful not to touch her. Callie tries to touch him, and he evades her. He’s firm about it, too, quietly firm, when she tries again. “Callie, no,” is all he says, but even when she bursts into sobs and hugs herself, he stays firm.

Eventually, we get to the halfway point. Andrew is waiting in the parking lot, hands shoved in his pockets, standing by his car. He looks exhausted. His hair is sticking up this way and that, and I know it’s because he’s been running his hands through it over and over. I’ve seen him do that when it comes to Callie.

We get there, and Callie is all, “I have to go to the bathroom. I’m so pregnant.”

Andrew looks her over, shrugs, and says, “Go.”

“Someone come with me,” Callie moans, and I guess that should be me, because I’m a girl and can enter the bathroom with her, but I simply cannot do that, so I look away.

Ellis takes her.

And then it’s me and my brother.

“Stop it,” he says, when we’re alone.

“What?” I said.

“You’re judging me,” he says.

“I’m… not.”

“You’re in a pack with three men, two of whom are gay—”

“They are not. They’re bisexual. I mean, for sure, Kane is. And Gatlin likes… women.” I think. I think the father of my baby is sexually attracted to me, anyway. Have Gatlin and I ever had sex all alone, just him and me? I mean. Only the time when I conceived. But that doesn’t mean anything. It’s fine.

“Well, I’m only saying, you do not have room to talk.”

“I did not say anything,” I rejoin tartly.

He takes his hands out of his pockets. “If you were an alpha, you would understand.”

I shift on my feet. “Would I?”

He gestures. “She feels like an earthquake, like she shakes the ground under your feet, and I don’t think you understand what that’s like.”

“Sounds destructive,” I say.

“Maybe some people want a relationship that’s boring and safe and cozy,” he says. “I want this one. I want her. She’s worth it.”