Page 66 of Use Me Up

I wonder if I have made this into some thing that just isn’t real, some idea that someone else has to give me an orgasm. Maybe people mostly give themselves orgasms and they just do it with other people.

I do get my vibrator.

During all this, there’s very little communication from my family to me, and it’s radio silence between Callie and Ellis, which doesn’t seem good to me. It seems like the calm before a storm, like something very bad is brewing, and I don’t like it at all.

Ellis and I talk about things. Sometimes he tells me about his childhood or his past, but he doesn’t talk specifically about his relationship with Callie very much, and I strategically avoid bringing it up.

One day, when I’m home from work, he announces that he remembers that we have not yet dyed my hair, and that he wants to make me over into his perfect beta sex toy.

“Don’t even pretend like you don’t think that’s hot,” he says to me. “Because I can smell that you do.”

I’d be embarrassed, but… maybe I am embarrassed. Maybe I just do think it’s hot, though. Hot enough that I don’t care about being embarrassed.

So, we go to the store and he hems and haws over different colors, holding up the boxes to my skin tone, turning his head this way and that, and I giggle a lot.

“I don’t think men do this,” I tell him.

“Do what?”

“Get interested in hair dye to this degree. You’re a unicorn.”

“I’m an omega,” he counters and thrusts the strawberry blond box into my chest. “This. This is the color.”

I turn it over in my hands. It’s not the color of Callie’s hair, but it is lighter than my current shade, and her hair is lighter than my current shade.

“Hey,” he says, fingers under my chin, “if you’re worried I’m making you into her, don’t. This is not her hair color.”

“I know.” But he could tell I was worried about that.

“You want to please me, right, beta?” He waggles his eyebrows at me.

I bite down on my lower lip. I do.

We put the dye in together, and then he says we should leave it on longer than the box says to get the color even lighter, and we watch stand-up comedy while I try to make sure to keep my hair from getting on any of the furniture.

Both of us get in the shower together and he rinses me out and puts the conditioner that came in the box into my hair himself. He rubs some of it into my nipples, too, and we make out against the slick wall of the shower.

But then he abruptly turns off the shower and is businesslike about combing and blow-drying my hair. He won’t let me look in the mirror, touching my face and saying things like, “No, no, beta, this is for me. It only matters if I like it.”

And this makes my pussy pulse in this incredibly insane way.

When my hair is dry, he doesn’t let me get dressed. He makes me get on my knees while he sits on the bed and suck him, and he runs his hand through my hair the whole time.

“Good beta,” he breathes. “Suck me nice and deep, just how I like.”

I suck him and he toys with the ends of my hair.

“Fuck, Hannah,” he groans. “Fuck, your mouth.”

I keep sucking him, and I squeeze my legs together, and I am crazy, crazy turned on.

“You look so pretty with your mouth full of me. You look so pretty with your hair this color. You look so pretty because you’re mine.”

I am his. I know it.

But I still need my vibrator to come after he finishes in my mouth.

Then, it’s the weekend, and he asks me what I usually do on the weekend, and I have to admit that I mostly do nothing. I sometimes have events for my mother or family activities and I sometimes get invited to a Friday happy hour with other people from the agency. But that usually is just us sitting around complaining about authors writing that characters are releasing breaths they didn’t realize they were holding and overusing saidisms and about this one submission that made some really weird choice (“The author put every scene that took place in the past in present tense. Like, why?”), so even if I had been invited this week (I wasn’t) I wouldn’t bring Ellis, because he would be bored to tears.