Page 64 of Trust Fund Baby

For a moment, I considered logging into the stock trading platform I used to pass the time in college, back when making ten grand in an afternoon felt like an achievement. Now it felt like nothing, and the thought of making another reckless decision in my current state made my stomach churn.

Instead, I typed her name into a search browser, not even sure what it would spit back out at me.

The obvious things came up first—her headshot on the gallery website, a few recent news articles covering the event that I’d tried to crash and how much of a success it had ended up being, and a photo from a charity auction her job hosted back in April where she’d worn an emerald dress that had made her tan skin pop and her blonde hair shine. The hollow ache in my chest felt like an empty void.

Then, halfway down the second page of results, I saw something I didn’t recognize.

Eat the City

Curated by Hallie Woods and Roxie King

I clicked before I could stop myself. Up popped a sleek, freshly launched website with mouthwatering photos of plates I couldn’t even name. Rich colors. Perfect plating. Wineglasses catching the light. Roxie’s talent touched every square inch of those photos.

There weren’t any articles yet, but it was clear what I was looking at. Roxie and Hallie’s dream coming to life. To pursue food journalism. Together.

I swallowed hard, tasting the bitterness of my own failure mixed with a tinge of admiration for what she was doing.

She was chasing her dreams and doing it all herself.

I ran a hand over my face. I needed to do something, anything, to get these feelings whirling around inside of me out. Fumbling back onto the keyboard, I opened my email and typed her old email address in.

I knew whatever I sent to it would only bounce back, but still I stared at the blank message like it could finally be the cure I was looking for. Just to get my thoughts out, even if they never reached her, which they wouldn’t.

So I began.

Subject: I’m Sorry for Everything

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Roxie,

I know you’ve blocked me so you will never read this. But I need to get this out of my head. I’ve been drowning since the last time I saw you at the gallery and I realized that I lost sight of the person I want to be—the person you saw when you looked at me when we were kids. I lost sight of that version of myself long before you came back into my life, maybe. I’ve become selfish. I don’t think about how my actions affect others. Maybe I never have done. But I’ve hurt you for a second time because of that selfishness. I’ll never forgive myself for it and I don’t expect you to either.

But either way, I have to say how sorry I am for all the ways I failed you. I’m sorry for being immature when we were younger and choosing revenge over speaking to you directly. I’m sorry for forcing you to start over before you were ready and forcing you into the conversation with your grandpa all those years ago, when it should have been on your own terms. But even though I did all of those things to you, you somehow managed to come out on the other side even better, stronger, than you ever were before. You gave me a second chance, and I managed to mess it up again. I truly didn’t mean to hurt you by leaving that morning without explanation. I wanted to pick things up back in the city and tried to contact you as soon as I could that day. But I can see now how thin a line I was walking with you after everything I did in the past. I understand why even that misjudged moment from me was enough for you to change your mind back to wanting nothing to do with me. I’ve caused you so much pain in the past. It makes sense you won’t give me the space to do it again. And you’re right. I’ll leave you alone now.

I’m not sure what comes next for me without you in my life. But I want you to know that no matter where I go from here, you’re the catalyst for why I want to be better. I was too self-centered and careless to get things right this second time with you. But just know that holding you in my arms that night in the boathouse was the happiest I’ve been since we were kids.

I saw your new website, and I wanted to say that I’m so proud of you for chasing your dreams with Hallie. You deserve that happiness, and so much more.

Maybe one day I’ll find a way back to being the man you once believed in, but you’ve always been the woman of my dreams.

Sebastian xx

A “message failed” notification appeared almost immediately at the top of my inbox, but I’d said what I needed to say. I’d spoken the truth, even if it was just into an empty server. And that was a good first step.

23

Seb

I wasn’t the only one having problems with my love life.

In fact, in the grand scheme of things, the fact that James was dealing with public humiliation and being betrayed by the person he had fallen for meant I was actually doing pretty well, all things considered.

When James called me on the train to say Hallie’s latest article had published, I’d just assumed he’d wanted me to like it on social media or something. I never would have expected this.

The article was titled, “What Should You Do When They Run Out of Money? RUN!” Brutal. It detailed how Mr. Old Fashioned, Hallie’s nickname for James, had been a loser after all. She’d left nothing to the imagination about how she thought he had taken her to a cheap restaurant once he felt confident that he had her. It was the exact opposite of how James told me their date had gone.