Page 35 of His Reckless Freshman

He scoffs. “It’s not a sin to feel pleasure. The only thing sinful about sex is when someone else takes their own pleasure from another person who doesn’t want to give it to them.”

I shake my head, not fully absorbing his words because they go against everything I was forced to believe as a young teen. “I shouldn’t have been sleeping with some guy on a first date anyway. I kind of got what I deserved. It’s probably my punishment for breaking the rules. If I’d waited like I was supposed to, maybe it wouldn’t have been so awful.”

“Okay.” Ben raises his hands like two white flags, looking incredulous. “Where is all this judgment coming from? Seriously, sex is not a sin. Humans were designed to have it. To enjoy it. It’s a gift.” He seems so earnest, his pale brown eyes begging me to understand this. “And as for masturbation, that isn’t something we should be whispering about. Or feeling guilty over. Everyone does it. Or if they don’t, they should be. It’s physically good for us. That’s scientific.”

I give him a doubtful frown.

“I’m serious. It’s credited with helping to reduce stress. It releases endorphins and oxytocin into our systems, lowers our cortisol, and generally aids our mental health and well-being.” He lets out a soft laugh. “Look it up if you don’t believe me, but I’m telling the truth. Masturbating is good for you.”

I eye him up, making a mental note to google that later.

Seriously, I’m feeling so green right now. So sheltered. So… out of my depth.

I must be the only girl at Nolan U who doesn’t know this stuff. That’s what it feels like, anyway.

Chewing on my pen some more, I work up the courage to ask, “What’s it supposed to feel like during sex?” I fist the balled-up napkin in my other hand. “I don’t know what I thought it would be, but… I didn’t expect it to hurt that much.”

Ben’s smile disappears, replaced behind a look that makes me shrink away from him.

Why is he so angry? Maybe we should stop talking about this.

“It shouldn’t have,” he grits out. “He obviously didn’t spend much time on foreplay, and when he… entered you, he should have taken it slow, been extra careful, extra gentle. It was your first time.”

“He didn’t know that.”

Ben scoffs like that’s not a good enough excuse.

I shrug. “I mean, we kissed a little.”

“Yeah, but did he…?” Ben dips his head to catch my gaze. “Did he undress you? Did he caress you? Did he kiss you between your legs and make sure you were⁠—”

“Between my legs?” I balk. “No! Ew, why would he want to do that?”

Ben’s smirk is kind of sexy, so I quickly look away from it. I don’t want to find him attractive, especially when we’re having the most humiliating conversation of my life!

“Some girls like that, you know? Haven’t you ever watched a sexy movie? Or Bridgerton? My sisters love that shit.”

“I’m not allowed to watch Bridgerton,” I murmur without thinking.

Ben laughs, this loud, sudden sound that makes me jolt. “How old are you again?”

I glance down at the table and whisper, “Nearly nineteen.”

His finger nudges my chin up so I’m forced to look at him. His eyes are sparkling, his lips forming a smile as he tells me, “Then you’re allowed to watch whatever the fuck you want.”

I flush at his coarse language and am then forced to explain that I come from a house that doesn’t condone this kind of talk.

“It’s all about purity. Which is why I can’t believe I just let myself go so easily on Friday.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Ben assures me, and I’m almost tempted to believe him. “Don’t waste your energy on guilt over that. It’s done now. You can’t change it, but you can learn from it. You can figure out what you want, what makes you feel comfortable. You might decide you love a good one-night stand, or you might discover that for you, sex has to be within a relationship. It’s what works for you, not what you’ve been told by someone else.” He shakes his head. “Everyone has their own preferences, and they’re entitled to figure out what they are. Even you.” He gives me a pointed look, although it’s soaked in this kindness that makes my lips quiver into a smile.

“I don’t know what I want. I’ve had sex one time, and I’m not sure I ever want to do it again.”

He lets out a sigh. “Well, that’s a travesty, Jolie Carmichael. Everybody deserves to have mind-blowing sex at least once in their life.” He holds up his finger. “At least once.”

I can’t help a shaky laugh and start bobbing my head.

It’s weird. I arrived here today feeling kind of heavy. I thought I’d leave that way too, and I was pretty sure when we started this conversation that I’d find an early grave. My heart would stop from sheer humiliation.