Page 44 of About the Green

"No," she says with finality as we pull up to her complex. "Just stay out of it, and stay out of my way. This was sex, only sex, and a way for you to pay me back for stuffing me in your fucking trunk yesterday." With all her things in her arms, she steps out of my passenger door walking away, so I can’t reach her. My hand empty as it falls into the seat.

"So you'd do it again?"

"In a heartbeat,” she says. Not a glowing review or the answer I wanted but I’ll take it. If the only way I can get to see the real Nina is when she drops, then I’ll just have to keep trying.

"But you won't let me help you."

"There's nothin’ to help,” she bites out.

"Nina."

"Vert,” she exhales with exhaustion instead of pleasure as before. Her standing there in my shirt that grazes her thighs and the cake heels I’ll never forget. They’re dirty and have seen better days. I’m sure she’ll be upset about them later when she gets back to herself.

“Not lettin’ it go. I'll let you go back to your place, but that's as much distance as you'll be gettin’. I'm gonna figure it out, and I'm gonna find a way to help you, whether you're on my side doin’ it with me or not."

"I don't know what that means," she says, "but, we have a job to do. We're going to do that, and that's it, right?"

"Right," I say, letting her think that I'm going to let it go. She should know that I’m not. But she’s not thinking clearly right now. That much has been made clear.

Everything is getting more convoluted, and though I haven't found an answer for the other things she's been doing, specifically the murdering things, I can't ignore that this is just as big an issue as the other ones are.

If I can figure out why she's doing it, then I can find a way to make her stop.

I watch as she walks away, knowing that, though she's leaving, we're not done.

Chapter 16

I can't think right now.

All I know is that I need to stay away from him. I had an idea of what I was going to be doing all this time, and maybe he was right.

I am all talk and no action.

I’d be foolish to assume that he's someone that I could be with and definitely not in that space with again.

All this time, my mind and my body had been calling him. Not in a way that I was planning to get serious about, like teasing him—yes, fun. So fun taunting him over the phone and even in person, rage baiting him to complete frustration—all a good time—never doubting that whatsoever, but this got way, way more serious than I ever intended it to be.

He is trying to know me, and he's trying to know me even after he sees how far down I can go. Like the chasm that I know I am—there's nothing but bottomless depth here.

There is nothing once you keep going down.

There's absolutely nothing there.

What was I supposed to do when I dropped, and he was there to catch me?

He was holding me… even after.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with all this information.

How I'm supposed to piece it together in any way that makes sense? Especially when it was not supposed to happen in the first place.

I mean, what the fuck is wrong with me? This man literally put me into a fucking trunk, and next thing you know, I have his dick inside me.

What am I doing?

I have to do something with all of this feeling, emotions. I've got to do something with them.

What can I do when the only thing I want is to try again?