Page 45 of About the Green

It's been years since I even trusted anyone to take control like that. He called me doll, and the shivers of recalling his deep voice identifying me that way only makes me want to scream. There's too many thoughts bouncing around in my head, and I have to do something about it.

I'm going to the Chrome Flame. I've got to go to the Chrome and sort my shit out, because, as of right now, I am doing not well. Maybe if I go and shake my ass on stage and pick up a few ones, a few twenties, a few hundreds—I’ll feel better. It'll completely reset me.

I get into the shower, knowing that I've already been cleaned by Vert last night. I can still feel his hands on me, so the best I can do is a hot shower to try and erase that memory.

It doesn’t work very well.

How much can a doll take?

When I get out, I put on a pink leather skirt covered in buckles, a green, pink, and yellow crop top with no bra, and complete it with chunky black platform heels that buckle around the ankle. I need so much jewelry on right now. I wear bracelets up my arm and several necklaces stacked high. With makeup to match I could get on stage right now.

But this isn’t for the stage, it’s for me.

I need to feel like myself again. Slowly but surely, I’m starting to.

Calling a ride share, I wait until they’re close to step out of my house.

The ride to the Chrome is quick and easy because I can remember doing it many times. When I get there, the familiar smell of the place helps me to relax further.

I’m home, so I look for Liezel first. Once I find her, I can get on the schedule for tonight, and hopefully I'll be able to dance myself back to normal. I still have a locker here, even though I'm not really a dancer anymore, especially not since Racquelle recognized my certain set of skills and put me to use in other ways.

When she sees me, she squeezes me tight. Her sunshine scent filling my nostrils and grounding me further. Amongst her long black waves, I can imagine that nothing happened last night. Holding me so close to her, I can almost forget that I have a huge bandage under my crop top. I'll have to wear some sort of teddy, and I definitely won't be stripping. It'll be just dancing tonight, but it's as much as I need.

I try to hide my wince, but she recognizes it right away. She immediately holds me at a distance so she can look over my person. "What's wrong?" she asks.

"Nothing's wrong," I say, popping a hip to one side and letting my bag hang over my shoulder.

"Oh, I caught that. You can't hide from me.” Of course, the woman who taught me everything I know about kink would register me hiding pain. There is no way I'll get around her observation. “What happened?"

"I'm fine. Who's on the list tonight? Can I get on?"

She looks at me, confusion written on her face. “For what?"

"Because I want to dance,” I say, swaying to the song that plays around us.

Still confused, she says, “Okay, well, then dance on the floor."

"But I want to make some money…”

"You need money. How much do you need?"

Shaking my head, I assure her, “Liezel, it's not about that."

"Okay. Well, you just said it was.” I huff and roll my eyes, getting frustrated that she won’t let me just add my name to the list. It’s not like I can go to any other clubs right now. “So, why is it that you want to get on stage? I'm full tonight."

I blink my best puppy eyes at her. “You sure I can't?"

"I'm extra positive. So, what's up?"

"Nothing,” I say, looking over my boots shimmering in the multicolor lighting.

She sighs and then, “You can work behind the bar."

"I don't want to work behind the bar. So cramped back there, and people get really mean if you get their drink wrong.”

Liezel begins walking us away from the bar toward the back of the room. “Sweetheart, I'm hearing a lot of nothing right now."

For a moment, I just look at my friend’s face. She’s always been more than that to me but right now, she’s the closest thing I have to family. If anyone could help me right now, then it would be here. It’s been a while since we’ve talked anyway. “Liezel, what would you say if, theoretically, I did something that was sort of reckless?"