Page 80 of Play Me

“I’m...I’m gonna go. Sarah’s waiting for me. But I just ...I wanted to say good bye first.” Her hand comes up to press against her mouth.

I don’t know what I’m hearing. I shake my head to clear the buzz in my ears.

“What...what are you talking about, where are you going?” I stutter, hardly able to get the words out, not wanting to make them real.

She finally spins on her feet to look at me and her face breaks my heart. The light in her eyes is gone, and those normally vibrant eyes are sunken into her face, her cheeks are pale and gaunt. It’s as if he life in her has just died, in the space of a few hours.

“I have to get away from here.” I can’t tell if she’s telling me or begging me.

“No, stay here, I can...I can protect you here.” Don’t leave me, I swallow the silent words.

“No, you can’t. It’s too late. It’s done.” And I know she’s right. I can’t take it back. If I had the power to collect up every printed newspaper, every digital imprint of those pictures of her, I would. I would crawl on my hands and knees to get it done. But it just can’t be. And she knows it.

“But I can help you from here on out. We can face it together.”

“You don’t get it, do you?” She looks up, and it’s almost as if she’s looking right through me.

“Tell me, what don’t I get?” I don’t know how to help her, and it’s tearing me up inside.

“It’s not the same for you as it is for me. One picture ONE time...is one thing. Now they have TWO. Do you know what TWO pictures is, Sebastian? Do you know what that means? To the world, it means I’m a SLUT!”

She yells the word and all the pain she’s feeling is carried in that one word.

“Did you READ what they said in the article, Sebastian? They didn’t call YOU a porn star, did they? It doesn’t matter that sex requires TWO people. But no, it’s just me. Because not once, but TWICE, I’ve been caught fucking some guy on camera and it’s out for the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD TO SEE.”

She’s pacing around the room now. Her hands a wringing and her face is scrunched up, all I can sense from her is restlessness, frustration, agitation. And all I can do is stand there and watch. I can’t reach out to her, because she doesn’t want me to. Because she thinks I don’t understand. And how can I? She’s right. The world is going to judge her so much crueler for this than they will me.

“Do you know how old I was when that first video came out? I was eighteen. And it was of me making love to my boyfriend. Eight years later, again, it was of me making love to someone I thought was the love of my life. No men in between. That last eight years could just be a giant whorefest for me for all they can guess.”

“Who cares?” I throw my hands up, hoping to lighten the situation.

She whips her head around and I can see the last vestiges of blood drain from her face. She knows now I don’t understand.

“I CARE! I’m a TEACHER, Sebastian! What I do MATTERS. Every decision I’ve made for the last five years is to protect me and to protect my kids. How can I face them now, how can I face anyone at the school now? But you don’t get it - hell this is probably going to boost YOUR rock star reputation.”

“Hang on...” I walk up to her. This can’t still be how she thinks of me.

“This affects me, the life I live. Maybe you’ve lived too long in your bubble to know that most people aren’t afforded the same consideration you are. You have a story run about you eloping and having a third testicle, and most people think it’s funny. Well, I can tell you this isn’t funny.”

“Wait,” I grab her arm and swing her around to face me. “Why are you mad at me?”

She sighs and for the first time looks me directly eyes. I have to bite back the need to kiss her pain and anger away. This can’t be solved with sex.

“I’m not.” She sighs again, the air deflating her lungs and her body grows even smaller. “I’m not mad at you. This isn’t your fault...but, it wouldn’t have happened without you. Can you see the difference?”

I do. I know. And I don’t know how to tell her I can’t change it.

“Who do you think did this, Sebastian?” She asks suddenly.

“I don’t know, we’re trying to find out.” I tell her honestly.

“You won’t. Because even if Dennis does, I don’t think you’ll ever know about it.”

“What are you talking about?”

“It was Hailey.” She says. And my heart drops. I can’t argue about this with her again.

“Cadence.”