Page 112 of Strum Me

“Yeah, no problem, ma’am. Maybe you should go back inside, buddy.”

“Maybe you should mind your own business,” Silas growls, glaring at me.

“I’d like to see you try to make me,” the bouncer says, as if wishing Silas would make a move.

“Just go, Silas,” I whisper, closing my eyes, begging him to leave.

“Fine. I’ll…I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Whatever. Just go.” Forever. Just go away, forever.

I feel his eyes on me for a long, torturous moment, before he strolls back into the building. I make sure he’s gone before I sink down onto my knees, my body shaking with sobs, my head falling into my hands.

“Ma’am. He’s gone now. I’ll wait with you until your cab comes.”

I can only nod in reply as I try to catch my breath.

But I know he’s there. And it stops me from completely falling apart.

***

I stand under the shower for over an hour.

Trying to wash the clingy, thick tar feel of Silas’s touch and voice off me, but it’s of no use. At some point, the tears stop and it’s just water streaming down my face. The red-hot coal in my chest only burns hotter as I run through the events that have led me here.

I made a mistake. I know it now. And now I don’t know how to get out of it.

I towel myself off and tiptoe into Ben’s room.

His wall and ceiling are covered in soft little stars projected from his night light. Brad had bought it for him after Ben had seen the light show at the first Rock Chamber Boys concert he went to. And now he won’t fall asleep without it.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed, I watch the light dance over the bed, an errant star sometimes flashing over Ben’s face, making me smile. I know then why he can’t sleep without it. It’s like Brad is watching over him. I stroke a hair off his forehead and lean down to press a kiss against his cheek. My sweet baby boy, my Benny Boy. The thought of Brad’s nickname for him twists at my heart, and I wonder how much Brad is missing him.

Without thinking, without letting myself think, I take a picture of Ben sleeping and send it to Brad.

There’s an instant reply, a love heart emoticon “<3”

And then another. Another love heart, this time with the words “One for you too.”

Before I have time to reply, a third message beeps through.

Are you okay?

I shake my head no, and type “Yes” into the phone and send it.

I’m not.

I’m sorry.

Tell me where you are.

I can’t. I just wanted you to know, we’re okay.

I don’t believe you.

You don’t have to.

Why did you go? What happened?

I can’t talk about it. Just…just one day, when you have a child, You’ll understand. Until then, you’re just going to have to believe me.

I have a child already. Ben. I already understand.

Then that’s all that matters. Goodbye Brad.

This time the phone doesn’t beep, it rings.

I sit and watch it until it turns off. And then I go back to my room and cry over losing Brad Windsor one more time.