Page 54 of Strum Me

I sigh and stroke Ben’s hair. “You really wanna go?”

“YES, MOMMY!” Ben insists excitedly, almost jumping out of bed.

Brad is watching me when I face him. I say one word. “Fine.”

“Is that a yes?” he asks, his voice almost as excited as Ben’s.

“It’s a ‘fine,’” I say, refusing to give him too much.

“I’ll take it!”

***

I must be crazy. Certifiably, freakin’ out-of-my-mind bonkers to be agreeing to this. But in the moment, my brain couldn’t rustle up an argument that he hadn’t thought of. I just couldn’t bring myself to say the words “Because I’m still in love with you but I can’t let you break my heart again.”

I mean, it’s not true, is it? I don’t know.

I only know that when I’m with him, I feel like those words are just right there, on the tip of my tongue.

So, now I’m home, packing clothes for my little boy to join me on a band tour around Europe.

“Mommy!” Ben calls me from his bedroom in our cozy apartment.

“I’ll be right there, sweetheart.”

“How is Fin going to come with us?”

I walk into his room to see him peering into the fishbowl. “Well, um, honey, Fin is actually going to stay home with Grandma. He’s going to help her take care of the apartment for us while we’re away.”

“Oh, he’ll be good at that. He’s always looking out of his bowl.”

I nod. “Yep, you got it. Now come help me pick what clothes you want to bring.

“Look, Mommy look! It’s Brad!” Ben points to the TV.

Brad had texted to say that they expected their meet and greet in the local mall might be covered by Entertainment Tonight, so I’ve had the TV turned on since the afternoon, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. And there he is.

“Stupid, sexy fucker,” I mumble under my breath, again and probably not for the last time.

The camera focusses on each band member for a few seconds at a time, and each time it lands on Brad, my heart rotates like a fidget spinner in my chest.

The video cuts to the guys finishing their set and a bunch of women rushing onto the stage, trying to reach for the guys. They just laugh and stand back, letting their security push the horde back. The knot of jealousy simmering in the pit of my stomach tightens, and again I ask myself what the fuck I’m doing.

“Look, Mommy, look!” Ben yells again, calling my attention to the TV.

Brad appears on screen again. This time he holds his palm out and the camera zooms on the words “Can’t w8 2 c u soon, Butter & Ben!” A red love heart encircles the words. And it’s like a cool breeze washes over me, assuaging the fear.

“What did it say, Mommy?”

“He says he can’t wait to see us soon, baby.”

“That’s so nice, isn’t it, Mommy?”

“Yeah, buddy, it’s so nice. He’s so nice.”

They cut to some footage of the guys performing, and the knot that was in my stomach relaxes to a warm, throbbing heat a little lower, where my hips meet my legs. And I can’t help but wonder what it’ll be like when we see each other again.

Ding dong