Page 85 of Strum Me

With that, he grabs my wrist and pulls me away, dragging me to an empty tent and pulling the flap down to shield us. His fist burns as it tugs on my skin, but I ignore it. I’m glad that we’re finally alone.

He drops my wrists and spins toward the tent. His fists curl into balls, and I can see the knuckles turn white. He takes a deep breath and walks back to me, his face like thunder.

“Tell me. God, just tell me you’re not with him.”

“What?”

“TELL ME YOU’RE NOT FUCKING SILAS!” he yells, then shoves a fist up against his mouth, his teeth biting down on it.

“OH MY GOD, Brad! Have you lost your God-given mind?”

“Why is he here? Why was he in Birmingham the other day?”

“Do I have to remind you that he’s in a band too?”

“I’m trying to forget that, ever since his so-called band released their debut album this past summer.”

“Well then, it shouldn’t be any surprise to you that’s he’s doing the same tour circuit that you are. A lot of bands are. It’s a common itinerary for this time of year.”

“But why exactly the same? Why is he suddenly popping up everywhere we are? Is it because you’re together? Or is it because he wants to be?”

“I don’t know why, Brad,” I say, trying to keep my voice low. The last thing I need is my own paper printing an article of me fighting with the rock group I’m supposed to be covering.

“You’re going to have to give me more than that, Emily. You and I, after four years of me following you around like a lovesick puppy, finally, finally get together. I told you I loved you, for fuck’s sake. I’d never said that to anyone. Then I leave and come back after half an hour to see him on your goddamn doorstep.”

“I told you, I didn’t know he was coming and the only reason I texted to talk was to make a clean break with him,” I explain again.

“I know, I know what you told me, and I believed you. I really did. I believed you that Silas wasn’t the reason I’ve been missing you for eight years, every single day, missing you. Thinking of you, wondering where the hell you are, what you’re doing. And then I found out that he’s your son’s father. What do you want me to think? Tell me. Tell me how I can’t think that he’s been part of the picture this whole time. And then to find out you hid it from me? I can only believe so much, Emily. As much as I want to be with you, I can only be betrayed so many times.”

The tension in the air pulls at the air from my lungs. I’m almost gasping.

This is wrong, this is all wrong.

“Brad. Brad…please. Just let me talk. Let me talk and try to listen.” I grip my hand around his wrist; he doesn’t move, doesn’t pull away. “Silas and I are not together. We haven’t been for a long, long time. In fact, the last time we were dating was when you knew about it, just before school ended.”

“But he showed up at your place…and now Ben…”

“After that night with you, well, he did come back. He came back several times, but every time I said no. He didn’t take it well, but finally he got the message. And then we went our separate ways as well. He had some label he was working with, and I went to college. But summer in sophomore year, he came back to London and we ran into each other and, well, we had dated for two years so we had a few drinks for old time’s sake. We had a laugh, and well, fine, yes, a lapse in judgment. We had sex. Once. Once and only once. But it was enough. Nine months later I dropped out of school and gave birth to Ben.”

“And Silas?”

“I told him I was pregnant. He didn’t want a kid, but he wasn’t going to tell me not to. He likes to send gifts to Ben now and then and see him when he’s in town. I dunno, gives him some sort of masculine ego boost. But he’s not a father to Ben, not a real one. Ben calls him his daddy but he really only knows him that by name. A guy who shows up a few times a year with a gift.”

I let go of his wrist, and reach out to run my hand along his cheek. Again, he doesn’t move.

“He’s not a part of my life and he’s not a part of Ben’s life. I wish he were, but he’s not. He’s not a good guy, Brad. Silas is…he’s selfish and arrogant and frankly, he scares me. I don’t want to be with him and I don’t want him around my son.”

“And me?”

“The exact opposite of everything I just said about Silas. I want you. I want you around. I want to be around you. I want Ben to know you, to know what a good man really is.”

He doesn’t look at me. His hand comes up to cup my hand on his cheek, but he doesn’t meet my eyes.

“Please, Brad. I love you.” At some point, not saying the words became harder than saying them.

“I… I love you too Emily. I need to process this. I need time to think. Time to see if I can really trust what you’re saying.”

“Brad, please,” I say, imploringly.