Page 120 of Xavier

Those first few days after I fled college following the attack, sitting in my hotel room, trying to sleep the day away. Watching the watch on my wrist tick second by second by second until midnight, when another day would pass. Another day I had survived without him. Another day I’d managed to stop myself calling him, writing him, begging him to come rescue me.

For the first time in my life, I’m questioning the choice I made then.

Had I made the right decision, not telling him?

It had taken me a long time, years, to get over the idea that I had only myself to blame for the attack. I’d never thought of myself as naïve, but knowing what I know now, would I ever have put myself in that position? I had felt uneasy with Damien before. But I still went to the studio that night. Because I thought dance was everything.

Turns out it wasn’t. I was still able to live a life without it.

And Xavier? Would I still able to live a life without him?

Survive, yes. But in just the few weeks he’s been back in my life, I’ve realized it wasn’t much of a life I was living before.

The image of him in his pajamas and slippers in the middle of Manhattan flashes in my mind. And I can’t help smiling.

He is many things: stubborn, uncommunicative, infuriatingly protective. But he’s always been able to do one thing. Surprise me. Well, two things. Surprise me and make me smile.

And that hasn’t changed after all these years.

Xavier, sweet Xavier. He’s become everything I ever envisaged he would be, and more.

Everything about him, compared to how he was twelve years ago, is just… more.

More passionate, more confident, more thoughtful, more gentle and forceful all at the same time.

More generous.

He had so little back then, and yet he gave so much of himself. Now he has a fortune at his fingertips, and he works even harder to share as much of it as he can.

I was wrong. I made the wrong choice. I should’ve trusted him to understand. My shame was just that, mine. And I realize now, it wasn’t that I thought he would not be able to handle it, it’s because I didn’t think I could.

Me. It was me all along.

The revelation makes me almost cry out, and I choke back a sob.

I did this to myself.

I did this to the both of us.

And it stops today.

“Um. Hey,” I look up and Kaine is standing beside me.

“Yes?”

“He’s awake.”