Page 69 of Xavier

“I’m walking you to your door, just like I said.”

“I’m fine, Xavier.”

“Good, I’m going to make sure you’re fine all the way to your door.”

“I don’t remember you being this testosterone-y.”

“I’m hurt. I remember being very testosterone-y around you. How could you forget?” I waggle my eyebrows at her, and she doesn’t look impressed.

She mutters something under her breath that sounds like, “Remembering isn’t the problem.”

We come to a stop outside apartment 1506.

“Xavier,” she starts, and I have a feeling I don’t like what’s coming. “Thank you for tonight.”

Well, that wasn’t too bad,

“But,” she continues, “it’s probably not a good idea we see each other too much.”

I don’t say anything for a moment, to give use both time to think.

“Why?” I finally respond.

“Because, nothing’s going to be able to come of this. And… I don’t want you to be holding on to some hope for a future for us.”

I nod.

I hear her, I do.

And it’s time, she heard me.

I take a step forward and she backs herself against the wall. My hand comes up to rest against it, over her head, my body looming over her. All she can see is me.

“Malynda, tonight was the happiest I’ve been since the last time I saw you, getting on that bus to New York.”

She opens her mouth and I press my finger against it. It’s my time to talk.

“I’ve felt like… I’ve been living in some kind of suspended state, for twelve years. And during that time, all I ever wanted, was to see you one last time. To tell you all the things I never got to tell you when we were together.”

She blinks, slowly, and I know the words are penetrating.

“So, whatever does or doesn’t happen, this isn’t going to change. I love you. Like no man has any business loving another person. Like it’s all that matters to me, and there’s nothing else. So you can tell me not to hope, that’s your prerogative. But it has no meaning to me. Because I live one day at a time. And each of those days, I wake up thinking of you and I fall asleep thinking of you. So until you’re in my arms, and I know that’s where you’ll be for the rest of my life? I’m living my life the same way. Fighting for you. There is no yesterday and no tomorrow. Just today. I’m not chasing the past. I’m not living for the future. Right now, I’m just trying to survive each day without you.”