Page 134 of When In Doubt

“Why don’t you let him decide?” I finally look up and see the sincerity in her face. “He’s not one to let himself get pushed into something he doesn’t want.”

I feel something in my chest crack open. Maybe Becca’s right and I should stop trying to predict what’s best for Oscar and take him at his word. I mean, that’s the root of the whole issue, isn’t it? He’s told me exactly who he is and what he wants, it’s up to me to let myself believe him.

“What if it’s too late?” I give voice to my deepest fear. “You didn’t see him last night. I hurt him so badly, Becca.”

“Maybe it’ll take time to get to where you were, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. All you can do is tell him what you’re feeling, the rest will come as it’s supposed to.”

I make it through the rest of the day without crying at any of my customers. I manage to keep everything behind the thick shield that I used to be so good at building. It’s only once I’m home and safely tucked under the covers that I call the person I’ve been avoiding.

The phone rings four times, then there’s a sleepy voice on the other end. “Freya?”

“Mom?” I choke out. However much I’ve been looking for space, I really need my mom right now.

“Oh, baby, what’s happening?” The floodgates open and tears start rolling down my cheeks, catching in my hair. I cover my mouth, not wanting her to hear how hard I’m crying. “Freya, you’re scaring me, what’s going on? Do I need to fly out?”

“No, no, it’s okay,” I sniffle, managing to take in a breath. “I’ve just messed everything up.”

“I’m sure you haven’t, baby.”

“I lied to you,” I cry. Everything’s been hitting me over the last few days, all the things that I’ve tried to put in the past, and now they’re tearing me up.

“About what?” I can hear her panic over the line. I don’t want to upset her, but I can’t keep bottling this up, I have to let it out.

“Aaron.”

“Okay?” she says slowly. “Take a deep breath, and tell me everything.”

I sit up, letting the covers fall to my waist. I never told my mom what Aaron did to me. She only ever knew that things didn’t work out, nothing more. She was already hovering so much, thinking I couldn’t handle my own life. I thought that telling her would be just another reason for her to doubt me.

“He wasn’t a good guy, he um… things were really bad between us.”

“Oh, god,” she gasps, “as in… did he…”

“He was so mean to me,” I say shakily, “he made me so confused, I just wanted him to like me but nothing was ever good enough.”

“My baby…”

“It was so bad, I was so sad all the time.”

“Oh my— Freya… he never hurt you, right?” she pleads.

“No, he didn’t hit me or anything.”

“God, baby. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want you to worry. And I—I was so ashamed…”

“What on earth would you have to be ashamed of?”

I cover my face with my other hand, like I can hide from this. But I need to get this out. “He always made me feel like it was my fault.”

“Absolutely not,” she says firmly. “Nothing that he did was your fault, none of it.”

“I’m starting to see that now,” I almost whisper.

“Is that why you broke up?”

I was so embarrassed that he’d left me. After all that, I never even got to walk away. Another sob escapes “He broke up with me, he met someone else.”