Page 168 of When In Doubt

“Because I couldn’t help him,” I say, my voice hoarse. “I was there and I couldn’t do anything, I just watched him die.”

“Oh, my love.” She pulls me into her chest until my face rests against her collarbone. It’s like the dam finally breaks and I cry in her arms the way I did when I was a child.

“I’m sorry, Mom,” I sob out as she rubs long strokes up and down my back.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” She’s crying too, her tears falling into my hair. “Nothing at all, do you hear me?”

She keeps murmuring soothing words into the top of my head as I let out what I’ve been holding for so long. I never wanted to burden her with it, not when she was already grieving. It’s been easier to push it down, to pretend that everything’s fine.

“I was working so much before it happened, I was barely around. What if I could have stopped it?”

“Nobody could have stopped it, that’s what the doctors told us.”

I feel the fabric of her shirt turning damp against my cheek. “What if they were wrong?”

“Oscar, it was not your fault,” she says firmly, even as her voice shakes. “Nothing that happened was your fault, then or now. Is that what this is? You think that you’re responsible for what happened to Mack?”

I nod, my chest tight. Despite what I told Ryan, I can’t shake the feeling that I should have done more. I should have been able to pull him out of the way, I should have gone in first. “I feel like it should have been me,” I croak.

She squeezes me tighter against her. “Don’t you dare say that.”

“But he’s got Birdie.”

“And? You’ve got a family too.”

“It’s not fair.”

“Nothing about this is fair, it’s a tragedy. But you couldn’t have done anything to stop it.”

“But what⁠—”

“No,” she stops me. “You have to listen to me. Do you think Mack would want you to drive yourself crazy over this?”

I don’t say anything and she takes my silence for the agreement it is.

“I feel like I’m letting him down.”

“Of course you’re not.”

“I froze,” I confess.

“When?”

“We got called to a barn fire last night and I just… I just shut down. Jenna had to take over.”

“Oh,” she coos. “That’s completely understandable.”

“It can’t happen. I have to be strong. I’m trying to protect Mack’s legacy.”

“Oscar, Mack’s legacy is in everyone on that crew. It’s not just on you to carry it.”

“He believed in me, if I can’t handle it, then it just means that he was wrong.”

Mack always wanted me to be a captain. He thought I was ready. If it turns out I’m not, then what else was he wrong about?

“Just because you need more time, doesn’t mean he was wrong. He believed in you because he could see who you are.”

“I feel like I’m drowning.” I didn’t want to say it, like if I kept it quiet then it wouldn’t be true, but I don’t think I can do this. The paperwork, the meetings, leading the crew, it’s too much.