Page 61 of When In Doubt

He straightens, planting his hands on the desk. “Can I take you out tomorrow?”

My jaw almost hits the desk. What is… Is he… I can’t…

I can’t get my thoughts straight. I feel dizzy with panic. He can’t be serious.

Let’s get dinner tonight, I’ll pick you up at seven.

I push away Aaron’s voice, when he asked me on our first date without ever actually asking.

“Not like, I just…” he starts fumbling over his words. “We can just get lunch, it’s not a big deal.”

It’s a very big deal. I was just starting to feel like I had my feet under me, like I knew where I stood with him. Now this?

“Like a date?” I choke out.

“Yeah, honey,” he says, and I lean forward. “Exactly like a date.”

I don’t know what to say. I should just say yes, then he’d lose that wounded glint in his eye and I wouldn’t feel so much like I was letting him down. But I can’t do it. The thought of going there again, with anyone, I can’t handle it. Aaron fucked me up in ways I’m only just starting to sort out. I’ve got no business going anywhere near a relationship for the foreseeable future.

“I’m sorry.” As soon as I say it, his face falls, but he doesn’t get mad. He doesn’t even look upset. He just gives me a gentle smile and stands to go. “I can’t.”

“Hey, you’ve got nothing to apologize for.” He slings on his jacket. There’s something desperate in my chest, something that wants to haul him back here, make him stay. But that wouldn’t be fair, not when I can’t give him what he wants. “There’s no pressure, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I’d better get going anyway, I’m doing a night shift later and I’ve got to feed Harv before I go. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

Then, he leaves, the bell echoing through the empty space.

Chapter Twenty

OSCAR

The yard sings with the chirps of various alarms as the crew runs through our usual morning gear checks. I see Ryan struggling with the valve on his breathing apparatus and put down my jacket, jogging over to see what’s going on.

“You good?” I ask.

“Yeah.” He grins at me, unaffected as always. “I’m all thumbs today.”

“Here.” I knock his hand aside and connect the tube to his mask, making sure he can see what I’m doing. “Like this.”

“I know.” He rolls his eyes, playfully knocking his shoulder against mine.

“I know you know,” I say sternly, “but you gotta make this muscle memory. You can’t be fumbling when it counts.”

He nods, serious now. “Show me one more time?”

Once checks are done, I take a seat on one of the benches and start refolding my turnout gear. The steady movement does nothing to stop my mind from wandering. I can’t stop thinking about Freya’s face when I asked her out, that flicker of horror. She looked like I invited her to go scuba diving in a septic tank.

I told myself I was going to take my time, but after spending the day with her, it felt right. Or at least I thought it did.

I can tell she’s interested in me to some extent. It’s in the way she blushes, how her breath hitches whenever I touch her, but something’s holding her back. I think back to my chat with Elsie, wishing I knew what was going on.

I thought that going for a relaxed lunch would be a slow enough pace, but I seriously need to regroup. I need to prove that she can trust me to take this step with her, that I won’t let her stumble.

“How’s it going out here?” I hear Mack ask as he joins us. He holds a hand up to shield his eyes from the unseasonably bright sun.

“Almost wrapped up.” I finish clipping the suspenders to the fireproof pants I’m holding and get ready to take them back in. “What was the word on the fire?” We got early reports of a wildfire up in the mountains. We’ve been monitoring it, waiting to see if we’re going to get called to respond. These kinds of fires aren’t uncommon, but they’re usually far enough away from town, and small enough that we don’t have to deal with them.

“Under control so far.” He frowns up at the hills, like he could assess it from here.

“Do we need to go?”