Page 26 of Quit Playing Games with My Heart

“Um,” I stared down at the book, sweat breaking out down my back. The printing was tiny. It was well beyond anything I could even hope to read. The figures on the page danced around like bugs crawling across a napkin. My brain absolutely would not process a damn thing I was seeing.

“Need help?”

I flinched as Sam walked up behind me, coming to stand by my side to gaze at the booklet in my hands.

“We’re trying to figure out the rules,” the guy at the table said, no idea that I was drowning in panic and shame.

Sam squinted at the booklet, then looked at me like he expected me to have all the answers.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hold onto my secret for a second longer.

“I can’t read it,” I said in a weak and wispy voice, shoving the booklet at him.

“Yeah, the printing is really small,” Sam said, taking the thing from me and bringing it closer to his face.

I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or cry. I’d told him straight-up that I was illiterate, and he’d assumed the printing was the problem, not me.

“Which part of the rules are you trying to figure out?” Sam asked, poring over the booklet.

“The bit about skipping turns or double turns,” the guy said.

“Excuse me,” I whispered hoarsely, stepping to the side so I could get away from the table as quickly as possible. I couldn’t stay there knowing what a joke I was. I couldn’t even figure out the rules for a stupid game.

I should have stuck to things I knew about, things that didn’t put me in danger of disappointing people. It was inevitable that I would disappoint Sam and lose the best thing in my life.

I knew that wasn’t a healthy way to look at things, but I was stuck. Not just stuck, haunted. Haunted by that horrible moment when my secret had been revealed in front of an entire college class of my peers, haunted by the meeting between me, my parents, and the school administrators who dismissed me from the university, and haunted by my parents’ shock and disappointment that their baby boy was such a fuck up.

I’d disappointed people before, and it might just kill me to repeat that whole thing.

By the end of games night, I was so tired I could have curled up on one of the benches in the front part of the café and slept for days. It took a lot of energy to carry around a heavy burden and to pretend it wasn’t there.

“I’m heading home now,” I told Sam as soon as everything was tidied up.

“Straight home?” Sam asked, looking concerned. “You don’t want to maybe come over to our place?”

“Nah.” I shook my head, fighting to appear as casual as possible. “I’m really tired.”

“Want me to walk you home?” Sam asked, a spark of suggestion in his eyes.

Part of me really wanted to take him up on that. Snuggling the night away with Sam might do me a world of good. But I couldn’t risk it.

“No, thanks,” I said, veering away from him to grab my jacket. “I should probably just go.”

“Brian.” Sam stopped me with the concern in his voice alone when I was halfway to the door. “Are you sure everything’s okay? You seem a little…off.”

“I’m fine,” I lied, continuing on to the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“See you tomorrow,” Sam repeated, his face pinched in confusion.

I stepped out into the night and immediately lowered my head. What was I doing? I cared about Sam. I could easily see myself falling in love with him. I shouldn’t have been running from him or from myself like this.

But the prospect of losing him was too scary to face. I was going to need to do something to get out of the hole I’d dug for myself, and I would have to do it soon, or else I’d probably lose someone who could mean everything to me.

CHAPTER 9

Sam

There was no feeling in the world more frustrating than knowing something was wrong with someone I cared deeply about but not knowing what it was or what I could do about it. Brian clearly wasn’t as fine as he said he was, but hell if I knew why.