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I swallow.
“I bet you can relate.” She nods. “I bet your mom was your best friend just like my mom was, and you don’t want to talk about her flaws because you don’t think she had any. Because you don’t think you have any.”
My blood is boiling and I want to punch her in the face for mentioning my mother, but she doesn’t back down.
“She wasn’t a bad mother to me,” she says. “She gave it all she had, but ‘all she had’ fucked me up for life. Just like your mom fucked you up for life.”
I push her away from me as hard as I can and she gasps.
“Tell Tim to kiss my ass.” I hiss. “And you should consider joining the crybaby group. They meet on the days I’m not here.” I storm out and head for the bus stop that’s down the street.
I don’t have to sit and wait for one to come. I can see one in the distance so I wave it down as it rolls down the road.
Since I promised Henry and Virginia that I wouldn’t walk out of rehab early again, I can’t go home just yet. I know they’re there right now—preparing for another bake sale, and I’m not in the mood to be peppered with questions.
My phone vibrates and I pull it out, ready to face an angry message from Tim about a threat to call the judge, but it’s not angry at all: “Emerald, Tina told me how she confronted you in the bathroom. I’m sorry she did that, and she’ll apologize to you in front of everyone at the next session. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but you’re doing better and you’re close to your breakthrough moment. Please let me know that you’re safe.”
“I’m safe.” I text him back and put my phone on silent.
Ten minutes later, I pull the bus’s stop rein and step off in front of a convenience store. I go inside, buy a bottle of water, and sit on the edge of the sidewalk.
I’ll need to sit here for another five hours before going home, to make it seem like I’ve been in rehab all day. I consider calling Sarah or Robyn since I know they’re off today, but I don’t feel like having fun right now.
I need to think.
All this time I thought Leah and I’s relationship was pretty damn good. We had our strains here or there, but I accepted them fully, never thinking that things could’ve been different. Or better.
Sure, she could’ve been there for me more—should’ve been there for me more, but no one’s perfect. And all those things she wrote in her final letter—words that I still have memorized to this day, they can’t be true.
They can’t be.
If they were, it would make everything we had in the past a blatant lie, and I just can’t accept that.
Was she really a ‘beautiful nothing’? Am I?
I’ve followed all of her early advice to the letter—never forming full friendships, never being open with anything except alcohol, and always knowing that looks will get me whatever I want.
And up until recently, it’s worked.
With no shame, I lie back against the sidewalk and stare up at the sky, thinking—for the first time in my life, that Leah could’ve been wrong...
––––––––
“Is she drunk?” “I don’t think so...” “How long has she been laying here like this?”
I hear voices above me and blink my eyes open.
“Are you alright?” The store owner grabs my hands and helps me to sit up. “Do I need to call someone to get you?”
“No, thank you.” I look at my watch. It’s only five o’ clock.
“Well...You can sit here, but I can’t allow you to sleep here. I don’t allow bums on my property.”
“I’m not a bum.” I roll my eyes and stand up. “I paid for something in your store a few hours ago.” I take a step back because he reeks of liquor.
“Be gone in an hour or I’ll call the cops.” He waves at me dismissively before walking inside.
I decide to call Carter. He’s the only person I think I can handle being around right now.
One ring.
Two rings.
Three.
What the hell am I doing?
“Emerald,” he says. “Out early?”
I ignore his question. “What are you doing?”
“Making dinner.”
“At five in the afternoon?”
“It’s an intricate meal.”
Silence.
“Emerald?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you out early?”
“Something like that...” I want to ask if he made enough dinner for two, but the words won’t come out.
“Would you like to come over and join me?”
I nod as if he can see me, and I sense him smiling over the line.
“Where are you?”
