Page 57 of The Happy Family

Wait, what? That’s it? That easy?

‘Really?’ I say, not believing my luck.

‘Yeah, I’m obviously going to miss seeing Arthur and Ruby at Christmas, but part of my recovery is accepting that I made mistakes in the past and those mistakes come with consequences.’

I’ve gone from fearing an argument to feeling terrible. I feel sorry for Sadie and her acceptance that she has to miss out on so many fun things with our children because of what has happened before. Sure, her accepting it makes my life a lot easier, but there’s something very sad about it too. Some of her virtues that I found endearing when we met were her patience and kindness, and that is on full display now, making me regret everything bad that has happened since I first discovered those traits. This is the woman I once wanted to make happier than any other woman in the world. But now as I sit here beside her in this chilly garden, I realise I not only failed at that, but whoever the next guy is to try and make her happy is probably going to fail too. How can Sadie ever be truly happy if she can’t see her children whenever she wants to?

‘Seriously, go ahead. Book the holiday. You guys go and have fun,’ Sadie says, seemingly sincerely. ‘I imagine Luna has got some exciting ideas about where you could all go, am I right?’

I nod my head and Sadie nods too.

‘You all deserve a break. So have one. I’ll be here waiting for you all when you get back.’

That sounds even sadder than she intended, but before I can offer anything to try and lighten the mood, Sadie speaks again.

‘We were happy once, right?’ she asks me.

‘Yes, of course we were,’ I quickly confirm.

‘That’s good. I just needed to hear that. It helps me tell myself that I’m not a bad person and that there is hope for me in the future.’

‘You are absolutely not a bad person,’ I assure my ex. ‘It’s just that a lot of things happened, things that weren’t all in your control, and it sent you into a spiral. But I am as much to blame for that. Those messages I sent to Gemma. I broke your heart. I started our downfall. If I hadn’t done that, if we’d stayed as strong as we once were, none of the other stuff would have happened.’

‘I’m not sure,’ Sadie says with a shrug. ‘Maybe you’re right, maybe you’re wrong. It could have just been fate. Destiny. We could have been powerless to prevent it all.’

‘I don’t know,’ I concede. ‘All I do know is that we’re only human and we make mistakes. But we can also forgive and make things better. I really hope this is the beginning of us trying to do just that.’

‘Me too,’ Sadie agrees.

I expect the conversation is at an end there, so I’m preparing to say my goodbyes and leave, especially when I check my watch and see that my lunch hour ends in less than twenty minutes. But before I can get up off this cold chair and head back to my car, Sadie throws her arms around me.

‘What’s this for?’ I ask as she hugs me tightly.

‘I just want you to know that you did make me happy once, and for that, I will always be grateful,’ she says. ‘We have two wonderful children, and whatever happens in the future, we should be proud of them because, despite both our faults, they are perfect in every way.’

I feel I have no other choice but to hug Sadie back, so I do that, and it’s only when we separate that I realise the part of my coat that covers my left shoulder is now wet. Sadie must have shed a few tears while she was embracing me, and sure enough, I see her quickly wipe her eyes.

‘I’m sorry,’ she says sheepishly. ‘I just wanted to say that.’

‘It’s okay,’ I tell her. ‘You are right in everything you said.’

We sit in silence for a moment, neither one of us knowing what to say or perhaps just aware that we’ve already said everything there is to say for one day. Eventually, I break the silence.

‘I better get back to work.’

I stand up and turn to leave, but before I do, I place a hand on Sadie’s shoulder, feeling how it’s not only cold but fragile too.

‘You’ll be okay,’ I tell her. ‘We might be apart now, but I’ll always want the best for you. That goes for the children too. You’ll never be alone, not while we’re around.’

Sadie looks up at me and smiles and, for a brief moment, it’s as if we are transported back to the days when we really only had eyes for one another. I feel a strong ache to return to those times now, more than ever. But those days are long gone, and I have to leave, as after work, I will go home to a different woman. I will return to a woman who can be pushier than Sadie, more impulsive and more impatient, which will always make me wonder if I was far more suited to Sadie than Luna before my mistake set us all on different paths. As for my ex, I guess she is already home, so I leave her to it, walking away and passing through the house, saying goodbye to my ex-in-laws before reaching my car and getting inside.

I let out a deep breath as I place my hands on the wheel before starting the engine and driving back to the office. I’m aware that Luna will be eager to hear my report about how that conversation went and I will message her when I get to my desk to tell her that it went well.

Surprisingly well.

Almost too well.

While I’ve had some doubts about my current partner recently, I’m now having doubts about my ex.