Page 73 of Fallacies

Idrop my gaze from his as soon as the word leaves my mouth.

I can’t look at him. Gods, only knows what I’d see in his eyes. Certainly not what I’ve gotten so used to seeing there.

Love. Devotion. Trust.

I broke it. I broke all of it.

Callan’s hands fall to his sides, and the sound of his boots against the floor as he takes a step backwards makes me wish I were dead. Makes me wish the illusion of myself that I had taunted Alaric with was real and that dagger had gone straight through my cold, vicious heart.

He shakes his head. “What?” I hate the broken edge of his voice. Hate that I’m the reason for it.

Swallowing a string of useless apologies, I lift my head and drift into that nowhere place I frequented as a child. Where all feelings are gone, and I’m left blissfully numb. I haven’t needed to go back there since being here. Since meeting him.

But right now I want to be numb. I want to be nothing.

There’s pain and confusion in Callan’s narrowed stare. I can practically see the denial he’s trying so hard to maintain. It won’t win.

“Alaric called me a defect,” I force out, my voice like a thrown stone in a still pool in this room where all the oxygen has been sucked out. Where all the love and care has iced over. I’ve never felt more like a stranger in front of him. My bottom lip quivers as I gesture to myself, fighting the onslaught of tears to push the words out. “That’s exactly what I am.”

Callan’s brows furrow as he shakes his head again. He can’t seem to do anything else. “I…I don’t understand, Lucina.”

Of course, he doesn’t. How could he? I didn’t understand it at first, still don’t, but I’ve kept it from him. All of it. I’ve had time to process, but he hasn’t, and I’m fucking terrified that he never will.

Rain begins pelting the window, light taps against the glass, and I find myself counting them. Five, six, seven. The drips echo through the silence as I try to think of something to say. Some kind of explanation as to why I’ve kept this a secret without giving him a reason to kill me, where I stand.

Or worse.

Leave me where I stand.

“The night I was poisoned,” I start, actively digging a hole inside myself and haphazardly shoving my feelings inside it. They don’t all fit, but I pile in enough to keep going without breaking down in front of him. “You didn’t save me. My Velkan did.”

The pinch between his brows makes me sick. He’s trying so hard to absorb the words, but they just aren’t settling right in his brain. I’m dreading giving more of an explanation when Callan’s shoulders fall.

He takes another step backwards, and the distance he just put between us might as well be a canyon.

“My velkan is my father.” I feel so removed from the words I’m speaking. “My father is a Rogue, and the poison was my Split. The night my cabin caught on fire, the Ashvine…all of it was my father. He forced my inheritance of his power, and he was able to enlist Fenton’s help because Fenton was⁠—”

“A Diviner.”

I nod.

Diviners are the only ones who can see and speak to spirits.

Callan exhales, putting the rest of the pieces together on his own as he runs a hand through his hair. He looks anywhere in the room but at me, unsure of what to do with the fucked up puzzle before him.

A dull pain settles in my chest. An achy throb that pulses against my skin, making me wish I could crawl out of it. This is exactly what I was afraid of—destroying everything we were with one single word. One confession.

Rogue.

“Callan, I’m so sorry.” The apology comes out broken, tears threatening to spill from my watering eyes. I drop my attention to the floor before they fall. I can’t look at his face anymore anyway.

I don’t want to be here, witnessing his whole world crashing down at his feet. Not even an hour ago, he offered Alaric anything in exchange for me. He offered the biggest enemy of our people anything in the world, for me. For the girl who’s been lying to him for weeks.

He told me he loved me.

I just wanted more time.

Selfish. I was so fucking selfish with it all. With Callan, with Pirn, with my friends… I thought, for one stupid moment, that I could have everything. Even though deep down, I think I knew I didn’t deserve it. All of it was too good. Too perfect. But Callan…he made me feel like I did. He made me feel like I was right where I belonged.