Page 21 of Crossing the Line

I didn’t mind Jake. He was easy enough to get along with. Some of the women in the wedding party had griped about him over the last couple of days as we’d all hung out together, judging him for his playboy ways, although he didn’t seem to try to hit on any of bridesmaids. He’d also been vocal about the fact that he couldn’t understand why Ryan would want to get married because a lifelong commitment like that was just unnatural. I would have thought that such a thing would make Leanne resent him, but she’d explained to me that it wasn’t a personal slight against her. Jake had his own commitment issues that made him question the whole institution of marriage and monogamy in general. Hearing that made me look at him differently as well. He wasn’t a bad guy just because he liked to sleep around.

I didn’t think I’d ever consider him a close friend, though.

“I’m not trying to crash your spa day,” he said, holding up both hands in front of him, palms out. “I’ve got a date.”

With that, he headed toward the exit. Leanne watched him go, letting out a sigh. “I swear, that guy never has trouble finding a woman willing to be with him, even though he’s always upfront about his casual-only policy. I can’t even imagine how many phone numbers he’ll get at the bachelor party tonight.”

“You guys ready?” Angela asked, coming over to us with excitement on her face. “The spa had an earlier slot available, so we can head out right now.”

The spa was a part of the resort, but the building was separate, located next door. We walked over as a group, entering the dimly lit entryway that smelled like vanilla and eucalyptus. There was a fountain in the center of the space with water cascading over a statue of a mermaid.

A woman with a soft voice and a white smock greeted us and handed over clipboards so we could fill out our information and select our services. Most of the girls wanted to start with a massage, but Leanne and I were eager to try the mud bath. We changed into black bathing suits and thick robes provided by the spa.

The room with the mud bath was small, and the air was thick with a mineral, earthy scent that was almost sulfur but not quite so overpowering. I was reminded of the way the air tasted after a heavy rainstorm.

As we got into the bath, I didn’t know what exactly to expect, but the mud was surprisingly silky where it touched my skin. It wasn’t gritty like dirt or sand, and the weight of it settled against me like a warm hug. I was floating in the viscous mud, and it was strangely comforting and warm.

“So, how are you feeling?” Leanne asked once we were settled in the bath, relaxing with our heads tipped back against the edge of the tub.

I chuckled. “Don’t turn into Damien on me. I’m fine. I promise.”

“He texted me right before we left to come here.”

My eyes had been closed, but I snapped them open and looked at her. “What? Why?”

The look she gave me suggested she thought that was a stupid question. “He wants me to keep an eye on you, of course. He admitted that you’re probably fine, but he still wants to be sure.”

I rolled my eyes, even as my heart fluttered. “I don’t know what I’m going to do about him.”

Leanne tilted her head as she studied me. “He’s always been protective, and you’ve never minded before. Things have seemed a little weird between the two of you lately. What’s going on?”

I really never intended to tell anyone that we’d slept together. The horror show of the morning after was too humiliating. But Leanne wasn’t just my cousin. She was my closest friend, other than Damien.

So, I told her everything while we relaxed in the mud bath. The drunken night when we crossed that line, the rejection the next morning, and the torment of trying to think of Damien as only a friend when my heart still belonged to him. She said nothing the whole time I spoke, just watched me with a hint of sympathy in her eyes.

Silence fell between us when I was done, and it felt heavier than the mud.

“I’m so sorry this is happening to you,” Leanne finally said, reaching out as if to touch me before she seemed to remember that we were both covered in muck. She pulled her hand back. “But… I don’t understand. Why don’t you be honest with Damien about your feelings?”

I swallowed hard as emotion made my throat tighten. “It’s… it’s not that easy. He doesn’t want me. He made that clear.”

“You sound afraid.” It wasn’t an accusation, just a simple statement that gutted me.

“No,” I denied. “I’m practicing self-preservation. Right now, there’s a chance that I can keep him in my life. As a friend. As the one who carries me to the med room over a small bruise on my head and worries about me all day afterward. He’s the person I reach for when I need someone, and I know I’m the same for him. I thought all of that meant something, that we were on the same page about the feelings between us and once we were both ready to move things to the next level, that would be it. Everything would just click into place. But now… I know I was wrong about that. Damien has me firmly slotted into the friend category in his mind and if I push—if I tell him that I love him—he might not even want that with me anymore.”

It hit me that this was the first time I’d said that I loved him out loud. The truth of it had been a part of me for so long that the words just slipped out. I always thought that I’d tell Damien how I felt before I told anyone else, and the fact that I would never tell him was a fresh wound on my heart.

Leanne bit her bottom lip, clearly hesitating, and I waited for her to say what was on her mind. The tranquility of the mud bath had faded a bit, but I tried to relax anyway. I needed it. This tropical getaway was proving to be more stressful than I expected.

“I know Damien hurt you, and now it totally makes sense that you took that English guy’s number at the market…”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

She shrugged. “I was just surprised. You never date.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. The truth was that I hadn’t thought of myself as single in a long time, even though I knew Damien and I weren’t a couple. I was already his in my heart long before we tumbled into bed together. Now I was grappling with what it meant to start over.

“Maybe it’s time that I dated,” I said, hating how defensive I sounded. “I might actually download that dating app I was talking about at the winery.”