Page 48 of On The Edge

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Cat lay in bed for most of the next day, stirring only to get a cup of tea from time to time. She had no appetite; whenever she cast her mind back to the night before, she cringed, and her stomach lurched. She spoke to Jess briefly on the phone, reassuring her friend that she only felt unwell from drinking last night. After many suggestions that perhaps Jess should come over, Cat insisted all she really wanted to do was sleep and have a quiet detox. She watched a string of romantic comedies, where the leads would declare their love for one another in the rain, or at an airport. Why was it always the same? Who had time at an airport, and who wouldn’t wait until they were inside, dry from the rain? Cat thought bitterly of her own two failed attempts at falling in love, and cried into her pillow. Was she always going to be unloved? But then, Patrick had women all over him - did she really want to be just another? Was she that eager to have sex, that she was happy to have it with someone who would pick her up and put her down whenever he felt so inclined? Who already had a girlfriend?

By the next morning, Cat had made up her mind. She packed her small backpack and set off for Glasgow. She had a few days off work, and had seen on her calendar that it would have been her mother’s birthday. The same deep instinct that had taken her to Orkney was now taking her back to Glasgow.

The sun spilled out over the water before her. She twirled on the spot, her new flowery dress billowing in the breeze. She held onto the strands of white heather and tied them together, trying to make a bracelet like her mum had done many times before with daisies. But her hands were too small and cumbersome. She turned around and saw the two women in front of a house on the outskirts of the beach, talking to one another and looking back at Cat. She knew they were watching her, loving her, but still she felt as free as a bird.

Cat woke as the plane landed heavily on the tarmac. The familiar, almost comforting grey skies greeted her as she made her way deeper into the city. Seeing her home again, where she had grown up, where her mother had raised her, was now a welcome sight. The liveliness, the friendly people, the old buildings that lined the streets and towered higher than any standing stone, was something Cat never really acknowledged before. She was from this place; it was a part of her.

Cat had not mentioned to Johnny that she was visiting Glasgow. She assumed he might be still in the highlands with Mark, trying to build on their marriage together. So, she booked herself into a hotel and organised to have dinner that evening with someone she knew well. She wore a plain black dress and her woollen coat, feeling comfortable in her new style; she placed her red beret on her auburn waves and headed outside.

A short walk in the cool air brought her to the restaurant. She looked at her silver Macintosh watch and saw she was a little early, no matter; maybe it was best to arrive in advance and compose herself before dinner. She entered the busy candle-lit room, and scanned around for a familiar face. To her surprise he was already sitting by the window, looking out, deep in thought. Dave glanced over in her direction suddenly, and his bright blue eyes lit up as he flashed a warm smile.

“Cat, you look amazing!” He came up to her and hugged her.

“So do you!” He smelled good too; Dave had never worn aftershave before, this was a change. His hair was smartly cut, and he wore a very tailored suit. Was this really Dave? His greeting was so comfortable and familiar, and she had always loved his hugs. He enveloped her in his strong arms, making her feel small and protected again, just like he used to.

They sat at the table and spoke with ease, to Cat’s amazement. The awkwardness that she had feared was not there. He spoke of his new office job, and how he was aiming to be a team leader.

“That’s really great Dave.” She touched his hand. “I’m so happy for you.”

The dinner went well, and they spoke about people they both knew. The glass of wine turned into a bottle of wine, which turned into a dram or two of whisky afterwards, and still Cat was enjoying the company. She knew Dave, but at the same time he was different. Good-different. They paid for their food and made their way out onto the street. Cat stopped short in the doorway of a closed shop.

“I’m sorry for everything, Dave,” she blurted, “I was so impulsive in breaking us up.”

Dave took some moments to reply; he kicked the outside wall gently. The lights of the city around them were energetic, constantly moving in their peripheral as they stood still, and looked at one another. He gave her a smile. “I’m glad you did. Cat.”

“But I loved you!” Cat placed her hand on his arm and felt the familiar muscles underneath. “I’ve felt so lost.” She moved closer.

“I loved you too.” He took a step back. “But I think that in some ways I never really knew you. I loved what I thought you were.” He looked at her with kindness in his eyes.

Cat waited, unsure of what he was saying.

“Oh man, I never had your way with words, Cat.” He rubbed his eyes.

“What are you trying to tell me?”

“We weren’t right for each other. Remember, you said that?” He folded his arms steadying himself. “And you were right,” he sighed.

“...There’s more, I think?” Cat blinked, waiting.

“I think we were good, once. I know I didn’t get a job as soon as I should have, and maybe I wasn’t attentive to your needs either.”

“You barely touched me!”

“Yes but Cat, you never really let me in to begin with. I thought I knew you, but you kept things from me, you wouldn’t talk to me. After your mum died, I don’t think you wanted to trust anyone... in case you lost them too.”

“You’re blaming me for all of this?” Cat could feel anger building up inside her.

“No, but I’m trying to show you. I may have given up on us,” he swallowed, “but you didn’t even give us a chance.”

Cat couldn’t believe her ears. All the times she had helped him. Was affectionate to him. Wanted him in her bed.

“I wanted you”

“You never told me that. You never told me anything,” Dave said quietly. “Look Cat, I care about you. You helped me realise that we would do better apart, and you were right. I feel so happy right now, the happiest I’ve ever been. I met someone. I want to marry her-”

Cat walked off. She couldn’t listen anymore. She was so angry; with Dave, with everyone, but mainly with herself. Dave called after her, but she just walked faster into the darkness. What was she thinking? She'd thrown herself at Patrick, now she was throwing herself at Dave? Could she not bear to be on her own? Whatever Dave claimed, she did let him in, of course she did! She spent so much time trying to help him get on his feet again! Cat continued walking down the busy dark street. Perhaps it is better to be on your own; everybody lets you down eventually. Patrick, Dave, and her mum. They all leave eventually, is it worth even starting anything when you’ll be hurt in the end? Cat breathed in thinking of Dave’s last words. Had she really not let in anyone? Who was she? She stopped walking and hesitated taking another step. Maybe she didn’t share her emotions with Dave when she’d had sad days, thinking of her mother. But what was the point in telling people you’re upset and grieving? They can’t do anything! Cat swallowed hard, and that anxious feeling crept up, grasping at her. Her throat felt tight, and she breathed in and out, trying to shake off the sensation.

She turned around and traced her steps back as quickly as she could, suddenly eager to find Dave. Walking turned into running, and she reached the restaurant once again, but Dave was not there, so she continued down the next street hoping he’d walked back the same way. She was about to phone him, until she saw a figure standing at the bus stop. It was getting late and people were emerging from the pubs that lined the street. Dave was leaning against the bus stop post with his arms crossed, staring down at the ground.

“Dave!” Cat gasped with relief at finding him.

“Cat, are you OK?” Dave came out of his deep trance and stared at her in disbelief.

“I’m sorry Dave!” Cat breathed out shakily. “You’re right. I’m sorry for what I did.” She walked up to him.

“I’m sorry too, Cat.” He gave her a hug, and Cat felt the tightness leave her body for the last time.