Page 102 of Beg Me

My teeth grind together as I try to stay calm.

Things between us have been weird since the Sunday dinner with her family, and I only figured out why yesterday. It all started when I said that I was moving to Nevada. I remembered the moment from the dinner table at about six o’clock yesterday morning. Markie had a visceral reaction to my statement, something I said off-the-cuff. Something that she told me was the right choice.

I wasn’t prepared for the question. And what was I supposed to do? Hartley had no way of knowing how complicated that answer would be.

It was either say that I’m moving to Nevada, which is what I will do—I’m a father and I want to be there for my son. He deserves to have me in his life in a way I haven’t been before. Or say that I should move to Nevada, but my heart is all fucked up because the woman I love has her whole life in Tennessee.

Each answer hurts one of them. And because Markie was so adamant about Nevada, I went with that. It never occurred to me how she may have internalized my response until yesterday.

And I didn’t get time to talk to her about it tonight. I lay on her sofa, figuring out how to approach the topic and how to be fair about it. The last thing I want to do is to make her feel pressured to disrupt her whole life for mine. I just can’t quite come up with a solution in which we all win.

I’m not even sure if it’s fair to tell her that I love her and then follow it up with but remember that I’m leaving Sugar Creek in a month and Tennessee in ten or eleven months.

What the fuck?

Gus sighs sadly. “I wish Markie could’ve come with us.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. I like her a lot.”

“Me, too, kiddo.”

He turns to me. “Are you going to marry her?”

My eyes widen in surprise. Talk about being unprepared for a question.

“It’s not that crazy of an idea, Dad.”

Oh, to be eleven and naïve.

“Marriage is a big deal, Gus. You don’t just marry someone because you like to hang out with them or they’re hot.” I smile at him before looking back at the dark road ahead of us. “You marry someone because you love them. You make all of these promises before God and you have to take it seriously.”

“What kind of promises?”

I sigh. “Well, you have to promise that you’ll take care of them and you’ll treat them well. That they’ll be your best friend, and you’ll prioritize what they need and what makes them happy. And when they mess up, that you’ll try your very best to forgive them. And they make the same promises to you.”

“I promised to go to war with you. And I keep my promises.”

Disappointment that I failed her, that I might have made her feel like her life and what’s important to her isn’t important to me, presses on my heart. I would never hurt her. Not intentionally.

I know this isn’t my fault and that she doesn’t blame me for it. But the fact is that I did break my promise. I’m not there for her when I said I would be. Worst of all, I left her with a bunch of questions … and without knowing the truth. That I love her so fucking much.

I glance over at my son again.

“Do you know why I like Markie so much?” he asks.

“Why all the talk about Markie? Want to listen to the radio or something?”

He lifts a brow. “No, I want to talk about Markie.”

I shrug, feeling helpless. Whatever you want, kid.

“She reminds me of my first dad,” Gus says.

This isn’t what I expected. “Oh, really? How?”

I’m curious now. I don’t know much about his first dad, as he calls him, a title that doesn’t bother me in the least. He was, in fact, Gus’s first dad, and he loved my son. I have nothing but respect and gratitude for him. But I don’t bring him up because I feel like if Gus wants to talk about him, he will. And if he does, I’ll listen.