Page 105 of Beg Me

Gianna: No. Past Gianna is jealous. I AM A HAPPY (non-engaged) woman.

Gianna:

Gianna: Anyway, back to Markie …

I rest my head on a pillow Jory used just a few hours ago. It still smells like his cologne.

Me: Gus’s mom’s family had an emergency, and Jory had to take Gus to Ohio tonight.

Astrid: Oh, no. Is everything okay?

Nettie:

Me: I mean, yeah.

As soon as I send the message, I know it’s a lie.

My eyes fill with tears.

Me: You know what? I don’t know if it’s okay.

Nettie: What’s the emergency?

Me: Gus’s grandpa is dying. He has a day or two left and Gus wanted to say goodbye.

Mira: I love you, sister. So much.

My phone rings. Gianna. I smile, tears sliding across my lips as I start to speak.

“Hi,” I say.

“Girl. Are you okay? Be honest with me. I can be there in ten minutes. Fifteen if Drake drives.”

I laugh through my tears. “I’m fine.”

“Doesn’t sound like it. And, not that you’re not sympathetic and I’m not calling you not an empath, but I don’t think this has anything to do with the dead grandpa.”

“You’re so callous.”

“I get to the point. So, what’s going on? What’s really going on? And don’t lie to me.”

My eyes close as my head begins to throb, and the idea of regurgitating everything makes me nauseous. Yet, what would I say?

I know it’s possible for more than one thing to exist at a time. I can be heartbroken for Gus, sad for his mother, and terrified that Jory doesn’t see me in his future. But they all seem on such opposite ends of the spectrum and, when they’re lumped together, it’s too much on my heart for one night.

Besides, this is becoming the story of my life. It’ll wind up on my tombstone.

Here lies Markie St. James, the woman who died single anyway.

“I appreciate you,” I say. And I do. Talking things out with Mira wiped me out, though, and I don’t think I have any more words left in my brain. “But I really don’t want to talk about it tonight.”

“I do.”

Grinning, I sigh. “I know, Gianna, but I need to sort through things in my head before I start talking shit. Otherwise, I’ll convince myself of God knows what and nothing will be better for that.”

“You know what? I do that. I never made the connection.”

“Well, you just learned something.” I laugh. “I’m going to try to go to bed. My head hurts. My heart hurts. I just need to sleep and hope that, in the morning, I’ll be calmer and smarter.”