Page 96 of Beg Me

Last night, as I lay beside him in my bed, listening to his heartbeat in the still of the night, something inside me softened. I can’t explain it, but I felt it. It was like my body gave up the fight, like it chucked the shield it keeps around because it’s just too heavy.

Kind of like it’s not mine to carry anymore.

The thought is terrifying because what happens if I lose it? What if I need it someday and can’t find it? What am I supposed to do—just live life and walk around with a target in the center of my chest?

The hard part to rectify is that the only one who could hurt me is Jory. And the only reason I can lay it down is because of him, too.

“So, Jory,” Lolly asks as we begin to eat. “Tell me about you.”

He sits up straight as if he’s been put on the spot. I rest my hand on his thigh just in case it comforts him like it does when he does that to me. Have I ever been this in tune with a man before? I’ve seen it with my friends and their partners, but I’ve never experienced this.

“I’m from California,” he says like he’s in a job interview. It makes me smile. “I’m a rugby player and played with Gray for a few years in Nashville. I’m retiring at the end of next season, though.”

Lolly nods approvingly. “That’s good. Rugby is tough on your body.”

Please stop there, Lolly. Don’t bust out the adjectives describing his body. Don’t make it weird.

“It can be, yeah,” Jory says. “And I have to admit that I’m getting too old to get up in the morning and feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. I’m over it.”

I smile at him and remove my hand. He’s doing fine on his own.

“What are you going to do when you retire?” Hartley asks, lifting a forkful of mashed potatoes.

It didn’t occur to me until last night that Jory hadn’t met Hartley before the wedding. I guess it was the first time we’d been anywhere as a couple even though that feels strange to think about. But, unsurprisingly, he and Hartley hit it off right away. They’re so different in their day-to-day lives, but what they have in common is decency and kindness. And if we continue this once summer ends, they’d become even better friends. Maybe even family.

Oof. The way my brain just made that transition makes my head spin. Let’s slow your roll, Markie. At least get through dinner first.

I spear some green beans and pop them into my mouth.

“Well, I’m going to move to Nevada,” Jory says.

My eyes widen at the declaration, but I catch myself before anyone notices.

“You are?” Gus asks. “I didn’t know that. That’s awesome, Dad!”

That makes two of us, Gus.

I force a swallow and then down a large part of my iced tea, hoping it cools the heat in my face. Mira’s watching me closely, but I avoid glancing up at her, as she’ll read my surprise like a book.

Certainly, I knew Jory was considering the move. I even told him it was the right thing to do. But that was then—that was before … us. Before this felt so real.

Before I started to think that maybe there could be a future together.

I dab my mouth with a napkin and try to gather the wits that have just been scattered carelessly around the dining room.

A swell of fire-hot emotion rises in my chest. Absentmindedly, I rub it with my palm.

“Hey, are you okay?” Jory whispers, peering over his shoulder at me.

I paste on a smile. “Yes. I’m fine. I swallowed too fast, and it’s kind of stuck. I just need a minute.”

“Okay,” he says, unconvinced.

Maybe he’ll ask me to go.

But would I go? I glance around the table at my family—the people I love most in the world. Could I leave them? Could I go across the country and start a new life without them?

The thought of not having these meals every week makes tears prickle at the corners of my eyes.