Page 1 of Perfect Chaos

Chapter One

Gavin

I’m not thrilled my best friend didn’t trust me enough to tell me about Maizyn sooner. He is like a brother to me. I thought I knew everything about the man, yet I had no idea he had a girl in his life. Not just any girl, based on his reactions. He fell in love for the first time and didn't even mention her to me. But I guess I can't blame him for not telling me everything. We all keep at least one card close to our chest, even me. I don’t think I will ever admit to anyone how lonely I actually feel. Sure, I have several women I could call right now who would invite me over, but it all feels empty. I’ve perfected the ruse though, always smile, overplay the charm, be the life of the party, even when the fake laughing leaves a bitter taste behind. Random hook-ups and different women every night used to excite me, but not anymore.

As pathetic as it might sound, all of my free time was spent with Atlas and even he is not around. I thought moving here would change things. I was confident that we would be here for a while before going back home. I even ended the lease on my house, which is an entirely different problem.

I moved into the main house when Atlas went back to Allendale. After everything that happened with Maizyn the other day, it’s best for both of them to stay away from here. I don’t know the full story of what happened, but I know it was bad enough for me and Ramos to cover up a dead body. I didn’t ask questions. It didn’t feel like the right time. I just hope Atlas trusts me enough to tell me one day, or maybe even Maizyn, since it seems to be her story to tell. She seems different than most people. For her to capture Atlas’ attention, she probably has to be. I still haven't officially met Maizyn. It's not like I didn't want to, but someone had to stay behind to get the security office here in Willowhook situated first. If it were up to me, I would have just closed this office and pretended like it didn’t exist. Unfortunately, Atlas and Ramos both said it would have been a waste of our time and money if we didn’t keep it running. Leaving me with the annoying task of finding someone competent to run this place in our absence.

I posted a hiring ad online, hoping to make this process faster, but most of the applications coming through are not qualified enough to do the job correctly. They would probably do perfectly fine in a normal security company but I have higher standards for Torres Security. I want the best of the best. Atlas and I worked hard to get this far and I refuse to let someone else destroy what we created. I also run extensive background checks. If there is anything to uncover, I want to know about it and anything seeming remotely suspicious to me, gets forwarded to Ramos to double check. It’s thorough but time consuming.

My stomach growls as I check the time on my phone. Shit. It's already six in the evening and I don’t remember eating anything today. Atlas was always good about making sure we both ate regularly. His meticulous need for controlling everything meant he ate around the same time every day and usually forced me to eat alongside him. Most days, I would probably forget to eat altogether.

I log off my computer and collect my things. Even though I want to finish this as fast as possible so I can leave already, I am not dumb enough to think I can withstand working crazy hours without eating. I can finish shuffling through the applications and check for any new job inquiries after I eat something.

Grabbing my phone and keys off the desk, I lock up the office and walk down the street to the diner close by. I know I should probably head home and finish all the work tomorrow but I've never been a patient person. Maybe it would have been better if I had Ramos come here to do this. Not knowing anyone here has felt very isolating. It's been a battle against my own mind to not let it get to me.

The waitress greets me as I walk in. The smell of comfort food and coffee assaults my nose as I plop down into the first available booth. This place has character. It's outdated with multicolored benches and barstools. There is a giant display case near the counter showing off all the amazing desserts made in-house every morning. Pictures of famous people envelop the walls. An antique jukebox is nestled in the corner. For the first time since everything went down with Atlas and Maizyn, the tension in my shoulders loosens just a fraction.

The waitress comes to take my order. I order a cup of coffee and tell her to bring me the best dish on the menu. Thirteen minutes, two cups of coffee, and a Reuben sandwich later, I pay my tab and head back to the office.

Three weeks and two hundred and forty-six applications. That's what it took. Three weeks of being on my own, fighting with my mind, but I finally managed to find someone to run this branch of Torres Security as well as five employees to cover the workload. I have two days left stuck in this isolation while I make sure training goes well. If everything goes correctly, I will be back in time to start up our Saturday night at Elixirs tradition all over again.

Chapter Two

Maizyn

It's been three weeks since we left Willowhook. Atlas brought me back here the night everything happened with Trevor. He said it was best to stay far away from there, given the circumstances. Even though Gavin and Ramos took care of it, it was better to be safe, just in case. I didn't question it. I had no reason to stay in a place I never should have been to begin with. I was a bit upset about leaving my safe place at the bookstore behind, but Atlas stopped to grab the beanbag chair and my jar of pens when I went to tell Mrs. Carter I was leaving town.

Mrs. Carter is a whole different story. She treated me like I was her granddaughter the entire time I was working for her. She gave me a bone-crushing hug, telling me to stay out of trouble and to call if I ever needed anything. Saying goodbye hurt. A little piece of my heart will always belong with her. She became the only family I had while I was there. Moving away felt like I was losing a loved one. Atlas promised we could always visit if I wanted to, once everything settled down. But I don’t know if I can handle leaving her all over again. It was hard enough the first time.

Coming back here has been a little bit harder than I thought it would be. Sometimes I feel like I will drown in the weight of what I forgot. My soul feels tattered and torn into pieces. I fear I no longer remember how to put the puzzle back together.

We don’t talk about what happened. I think it’s better if we don’t. Ramos and Gavin made sure there was no trace of us ever being there. You would think I would feel bad about killing someone, but Trevor deserved everything that happened to him. I don’t think much about Trevor if I’m being honest. His blood on my hands means very little to me. I’m glad he is gone and happy I was the one to do it. It’s actually what Atlas said that still keeps me awake at night. Atlas said one fucking sentence, breaking the lock on my mind. He said my missing memories belonged to him, causing several memories of us together to flood into my head all at once.

My memory of the last year is still pretty spotty. It’s better than not remembering anything, I suppose, but I thought I got all of my memory back when the whole warehouse thing happened. I thought it would all come rushing back and everything would be all sunshine and rainbows, but I was mistaken. I remember being here, but my mind is still a bit foggy. I still remember most of it. Like the night Atlas and I met. I know the accident happened even if I can’t remember the exact details. The accident took my memory to begin with; the events surrounding it still remain unclear. I can recall walking into Elixirs the first night as if it happened yesterday, but I still get flashes of events and people I’m not even sure are real. They could be something I crafted in my mind to protect myself.

I just want to stop questioning the images flitting through my head. They are jarring. They crash into my skull with enough impact to knock me down. They are foggy and flutter just out of reach.

Every time I think I will finally hold a memory in my fingertips, it vanishes into dust, leaving me with nothing but a splitting headache. This started ever since Atlas came back into my life. Maybe he is the key to getting my memory back. All of it back, not just bits and pieces.

Maybe my soul feels safe enough around him to start stitching my brain back together? I don’t want to be so broken that I become unlovable. I don’t want to burden Atlas with all of this either. I know he loves me, but what if my fucked up head is too heavy a burden for him to carry? I also don’t know if I can keep carrying all this shit alone. It's becoming too heavy.

Gavin is supposed to be back today. I haven’t met him in person yet, so I think it will be nice to officially meet him. We were supposed to meet after I broke up with Trevor, but getting kidnapped kind of hindered those plans. It’s Saturday. Atlas mentioned going to Elixirs tonight. Something about it being his and Gavin’s tradition. It’s funny because it was a Saturday night the very first time I met Atlas at the very same bar, but I don’t remember seeing Gavin there that night. Atlas was sitting by himself when I walked over to him.

I can’t lie, though. I am pretty nervous to meet him. What if he hates me? I don’t know if I could handle someone so important to Atlas hating me. I’m looking forward to going out drinking, even if it won’t help my current mental state. I am hoping the alcohol and atmosphere will distract me for a while.

We haven’t really done anything since moving back here. Anything except existing has been too difficult for me to do. All of my belongings are still packed neatly in the boxes Atlas put them into. Reading has been almost impossible. It doesn't matter how long I sit curled up on the beanbag with a book in my hand; I just can't get into it. I’ve been locked in this weird headspace. I haven't really showered as I should. My wardrobe consists of t-shirts big enough to be a dress on me. I can’t bring myself to care; they smell like Atlas, they smell like home. His scent has been the only thing keeping me from losing it completely. I've always known my mind would be my worst enemy. How could I ever forget Atlas? My fucking head is so set on being my downfall; one stupid decision, one stupid taxi ride, wiped away some of the best days of my life. I think realizing everything I forgot hurts deeper than waking up with all of the memories wiped clean. Atlas hasn’t pushed. He knows I've been lost in my thoughts more often than not, but I am pretty sure he assumes it has more to do with the fact I killed someone. I know we need to talk about it soon, but I plan to put off the conversation for as long as possible.

Knuckles rap on the door frame behind me, drawing me out of my thoughts with a startled jump. I turn to face the sound. A breath of relief leaves me when I see Atlas, with his hands raised up in surrender, fill my view. He is dressed business casual with black slacks and a black button-up; he could be dressed in a tracksuit and still look handsome.

“Didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s okay. Why are you so dressed up?”

“I asked earlier about us going out for drinks with Gavin tonight. Unless you want me to cancel?”

“Yeah, I remember. I just thought we weren't going until seven thirty.” I flick to the time on my phone. Shit, it’s already seven o’clock. We are supposed to meet Gavin in an hour, and I currently look like a bridge troll. Great. “I’m sorry I lost track of time.”