Page 11 of Just for the Season

Oh yes. Ohhhh. Ruby did actually force me to acknowledge that the woman wasn’t that entitled, in that I didn’t fully explain why I needed the cake and she was at the front of the queue. Dammit.

‘You know what,’ I say. ‘I’ll apologise next time I see her, if I do ever see her again.’

‘Maybe she can change her plans and still make it to my birthday party and you can apologise then,’ says Miranda helpfully. ‘I’ll text her tomorrow. She did say she might be able to make it.’

‘Great,’ I say, not pleased.

‘I hope she can come,’ says Ruby. ‘Since Sam and I will be here too you can apologise in front of us.’ Ruby and Sam are coming for a sleepover next Saturday while I join the party.

‘No need for that,’ I say.

‘Dad,’ wheedles Ruby. ‘For an extra birthday present for me?’

‘You’ve had a lot of presents already.’ I always struggle to say no to Ruby, but I’m holding firm on this one. I will apologise if I see the woman again, because it’s the right thing to do, but I will not do it with an audience.

‘Pinky promise that you will at least apologise the exact, very first second you see her?’ Ruby holds out her little finger, and I shake it, because when she tilts her head like that, her expression simultaneously womanly-wise and still-little-girl innocent, I cannot say no.

I’ll just have to hope that Frankie won’t be able to make it.

* * *

Ruby’s birthday evening is excellent. It works fantastically sharing it with friends; Ruby is in such a good mood that I manage not to annoy her at all (amazing), and of course with friends there she doesn’t have time to think about her mother and the lack of contact from her.

The second we leave Rob and Miranda’s, though, Ruby checks her phone, where she – to no-one’s surprise except hers – finds no message from Astrid, her mother.

‘Do you think maybe Mum doesn’t have a signal?’ She sounds so young and lost that I immediately feel a huge lump in my throat.

‘Maybe,’ I say cautiously. I can’t criticise Astrid to her, but also I don’t want to encourage false hope.

‘Dad, can we have hot chocolate and marshmallows when we get home?’ Sam cuts in, to my relief. ‘It is Ruby’s birthday.’

‘Yes please,’ says Ruby.

‘I’ll think about it,’ I say, and happily Sam takes that as an invitation to talk at great length about hot chocolate for the rest of the walk.

I do – of course – allow hot chocolate plus extra marshmallows before bed, and I’m hoping that the mother moment has passed.

And then, when I go into Ruby’s room to say goodnight and a final happy birthday, she says, her voice little-girl small, ‘Dad, do you think Mum forgets my birthdays, or doesn’t care?’

Oh, fuck.

I sit down on the end of her bed and say, ‘I’m so sorry. I honestly don’t know.’ I pause, and then – seeing the tears glistening on Ruby’s eyelashes – continue, feeling utterly desperate and hoping that I’m not about to make things even worse, ‘I love you more than words can ever say. I’m sure your mother feels the same. Maybe… maybe she just doesn’t place a lot of store on birthdays herself, and doesn’t realise that we do.’ Yeah, I think the reality is that she forgot because Ruby and Sam have no place in her life.

‘That must be it.’ Ruby speaks very firmly, as though she’s trying to convince herself. ‘Probably birthdays aren’t a big thing in Germany.’

I nod and hug her very tightly, and think back to Astrid’s birthdays. She used to require everyone to make an enormous fuss of her.

‘Exactly.’ I stand up and kiss the top of Ruby’s head. ‘Time to go to sleep, birthday girl. You don’t want to be too tired to enjoy the rest of the weekend. Phone in the kitchen?’

Ruby looks at me for a few seconds and then slides it out from under her pillow and hands it to me.

‘Honestly,’ I say, but I’m smiling. I think it’s a win that she gave it to me when I asked.

* * *

We have a pretty good rest of birthday weekend and the week isn’t bad either, and the three of us are in good moods when we pitch up early the following Saturday evening at Rob and Miranda’s for Miranda’s party. Ruby and Sam want to hang out with Libby and Ethan for as long as possible, so they got ready in far better time than they ever do for school.

‘Remember,’ says Ruby as we’re waiting on the doorstep, having rung the bell, ‘you’re apologising to the carrot cake lady.’