Page 111 of Halo

She doesn't look up. “Do we have to?” she asks, her voice quiet and timid.

“Of course, we don't have to. But I think we should. Don't you think?”

She's quiet, her breathing heavier than normal, shaky and nervous.

“Hey …” I cautiously climb onto the floor, mindful of Angus. I take her hands in mine, holding them in her lap. “I’m not going to pressure you. But I am here. And if I did something last night, or if you are regretting what we did—”

“No. No, that’s not it.” She sniffles, tears welling in her eyes. “Last night was … incredible. I’ve never—um … had an experience like that.”

I furrow my eyebrows. “Oral?”

“That … and …” her voice trails off. “Gosh, this is embarrassing.”

“What is? That we had sex?”

“No?” Her shoulders slump as she conceals a coy smile. “Maybe?”

“Lee …” I murmur. “I’m trying to understand. Did we take things too fast?”

She sighs. “No. It’s just … you won’t understand.”

“Try me.” I smile.

“Sex is preached as this grand glorious gift from God between a man and his wife, and everything else is sin. Like, everything.”

“And … you believe that?”

“No, absolutely not. I mean … not anymore. But … it’s just weird. Ever since I was little, I was told my body belongs to my future husband, to save myself for him.” She chuffs. “My body was described as a bouquet of flowers, and every time a man kissed me, it was like giving a flower away.”

“What in the actual fuck?”

“Yeah …” She cringes. “Sex was never painted asa good thing. Masturbation? No. Porn? An attack against Biblical marriage.”

“So … are you saying because you had an orgasm, you sinned?”

She stares our joined hands, her knee bouncing. “I know it’s dumb. But … I still feel so much—oh God … shame? Guilt?” She pauses, a lone tear traveling the curve of her cheek. She wipes it away quickly, forcing a cordial smile. “Sorry.”

“You have no reason to be sorry, darlin’.”

She chuffs. “This is ridiculous. I’m crying over something so stupid. Oh, poor, little church girl ...” She sardonically laughs. “There are actual real-life problems in the world, and I’m freaking out because I allowed myself to enjoy pleasure—”

“Look at me. Nothing about this is ridiculous or stupid. Or small. Unimportant. You’re upset, therefore this matters, period. Your feelings don’t need excuses or prefaces.” Her glassy orbs meet mine. “You’re right; I don’t understand religious dogma. I don’t understand why there are so many rules and restraints on something that is supposed to be satisfying and freeing. But I want to understand you because I want to be with you—if you’ll let me. If you really don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. But I’m here. I want to listen. And …well, I want you.”

A small smile teases on her lips, a spark returning to her deep brown orbs. She finally huffs out a breath. “I’ve never had an orgasm before last night.”

My eyes widen.

“See? You’re judging me!” She chuckles.

“No, I’m not!” I snicker, relaxing back on to my hands. “I just … wow. How, though? You were married.”

She scoffs. “Don’t remind me.”

“Can I ask … what the hell did you see in Declan Harrison?”

She laughs, playfully kicking me with her foot. “I know. I was—” she stares at the wall for a beat. “I was woo’ed into what I thought romance was. We fell in love when we were young.”

I hold up a hand. “I thought he was almost my age.”