Page 75 of Keeping it Local

“I’m not in tears,” I said, pulling back.

“You know what I mean.” She shrugged.

And I did.

Over the last few days, I’d gone through a series of emotions—crying on the couch in my pajamas, numb while going through the motions of class, and yelling my disdain about Johnny to Megan from across the kitchen. It was not a relaxing last few days.

Megan had wanted to take me out for a final beach day, but I told her I wasn’t up for it.

“You know you’re welcome any time, right? You could just show up and use your key. I don’t care. I’m going to miss you so much.” She grabbed me by the shoulders.

“I’ll miss you too.” I wiped a stray tear that fell down my cheek. I’d shed more tears in the last couple days than I had over the last decade.

“Drive safe, lady. Love you.” She rubbed my arm and kissed my cheek.

I sniffed and leaned in for another hug, detecting the vanilla that always surrounded her.

Jumping in the Jeep, I rolled down the window and waved a final goodbye, watching her silhouette get smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror as I pulled away.

The radio played This Love at what felt like the worst possible time, and as a glutton for punishment, I turned it up and let the hot tears cloud my eyes before feeling them roll down my cheeks.

After hopping on I-69, I knew it’d be an easy drive, and I rested my head against the seat behind me, set the cruise control, and watched the surroundings pass by as I drove.

In the middle of the week, there were almost no cars on the road. The route was almost all farm country as I watched field after field pass by on either side of the expressway, and I felt more alone than I had since I’d arrived in Port St. Clair.

I loved Johnny. I knew I did.

I hadn’t told him, but it was too late now.

I wasn’t going to push him. I didn’t want to be with someone that didn’t want to fight for me—fight for what he wanted. I knew he wanted this. He was just too stubborn and too stuck in the past to realize it. I didn’t have time for that.

The fact that I had thought doing casual was a good idea made me laugh now. Okay, maybe not laugh, but ugly cry. There was no way I could do casual. I didn’t know what I’d been thinking.

I was angry at myself for putting myself out there, and I was frustrated with Michael for showing up when he did to cause Johnny to doubt himself and everything around him. But part of me was glad his insecurities had come out now instead of later. It would have been setting myself up for heartache down the road.

As much as I hated it, the breakup was for the best. It had to be.

That’s what I kept telling myself.

I shook my head to clear the tears out of my vision. I was just turning the music off to switch to a podcast when all the cars ahead of me lit up like Christmas lights.

I hit the brake, and the tires squealed as I skidded closer and closer to the car in front of me. Someone honked. I couldn’t brake in time, so I swerved onto the shoulder. It all happened at warp speed around me, my head floating. As soon as I stopped, my head hit the headrest, and I looked around me. That could have been much worse. Looking up, I realized I was half on the shoulder, half on the grass next to the road with my heart in my throat.

In the slow-moving traffic, a car honked beside me, the driver rolling down his window.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yup, all good,” I said, even though I knew it wasn’t true. I was a mess. I just didn’t know what to do, and the chaos around me echoed it.

The man pulled away, and I wished I could leave everything behind and fast-forward my life to when I was happy.

I took a deep breath of relief and laid my head on the steering wheel and let the tears fall.

I heaved, sucking in breath as I went, letting the snot run down my nose and tears drip onto my shirt and pants. Everything felt heavy. I was a mess, and I didn’t care anymore.

The next day, I dragged myself out of bed. I was still numb but functioning.

My mom had invited me over for dinner, and if you would have asked me if I wanted to go yesterday, I would have said hell no. Today? It would be a welcome distraction.