Page 20 of Kylie

Until now.

Until this moment when I was standing in our bedroom, the room we had shared with Kylie for seven amazing years. I couldn’t seem to get enough air in my lungs despite my efforts to do so. The walls felt like they were closing in around me, making my vision go gray at the edges.

“Travis.”

I could hear Gage’s voice, even comprehend the concern in it, but I couldn’t move, couldn’t react, couldn’t anything.

Why had I come in here? Why? What was the purpose of subjecting myself to this?

Hard hands were turning me around, then suddenly cupping my neck, thumbs brushing along my jaw, Gage’s face filling my line of sight.

“Trav, relax,” my husband whispered, his tone so gentle it caused another ache in my chest. “Breathe.”

I shook my head. I couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t fill my lungs. My airway was getting smaller by the second, my chest constricting.

Those strong hands grew firmer as Gage leaned in. And then his breath fanned my lips.

“I’m here, Trav. I’m right here. I want you to breathe. In and out. Slow. It’s all right. I swear to you.”

“I … I can’t… Oh, fuck…” I sucked in air, the panic attack beating down on me. I felt my legs weaken. I was going to pass out.

“Breathe.” Gage leaned in closer, pressed his lips to mine. Just a gentle brushing, but it gave me something to focus on. The imaginary band on my chest loosened slightly.

It was then that I realized I was crying, tears streaming down my cheeks.

“I miss her so fuckin’ much,” I forced out. “So much, Gage. I. Miss. Her.”

His arms banded around me, jerking me close, tightening in a hold that should’ve been constricting, but it wasn’t. It was comfort. It was … home and hope and love all right there. This man … despite our issues, despite the distance we’d put between us, he was there when I needed him. Always there.

“We’re gonna get through this,” Gage said, his voice so low, if he hadn’t been right at my ear, I wouldn’t have heard him. “We will. All of us. It’ll never be easy, but we’ll get through it.”

“I love you,” I blurted, holding him, clutching his T-shirt in my fists, scared to let go. I just needed Gage to know that, to understand. Yes, I was fucked up. Yes, I was doing this all wrong. But that didn’t change the fact that he meant everything. “I do,” I added. “I love you so goddamn much.”

“I know.”

We remained like that for several minutes, holding one another up, tears falling, the fear and anger we’d built up finding a small but effective outlet.

“I hate this, Gage. I hate her not bein’ here. I don’t want to get outta bed anymore. Without her … without you…”

“You’ve got me,” Gage snapped, pulling back and gripping my neck again. “You understand me. You’ve got me. Always. No matter what.”

I searched his face, praying he meant that, but I wasn’t sure what was real anymore. I'd never felt so much pain before. Never had anything hurt as much, caused such brutal agony in my chest as losing Kylie. And the past several weeks … they were hell on earth as I navigated this new path, trying to figure out how I fit in my own life now. If I fit in it.

“I can’t be in this room. I can’t sleep in that bed.” I glanced over at the spot Kylie used to occupy, and my chest constricted again, but this time, there was anger boiling in the pain. “I can’t.” I looked back at Gage. “I made love to her that mornin’. Right there. Right there in that fuckin’ bed. I can’t be in here without thinkin’ about that. About her. Missin’ what we were supposed to have for an eternity. That was it. My last moment with her.”

I saw something flash in Gage’s eyes. Pain? Misery?

“At least you had that,” Gage whispered.

Oh, that was far more than misery. That was agony and despair.

“At least you have that to remember, Trav. Those precious minutes you had with her that mornin’.” A tear streaked down his face. “I didn’t even get that.”

It wouldn’t have hurt more if Gage had punched me in the stomach.

“I…” I didn’t know what to say. Words were not going to help, of that I was certain.

“It’s not your fault, Trav. It’s not.” He took a deep breath, his hands relaxing as he leaned in, forehead to forehead. “I was mad at you initially. Sure. For about a minute. You got that, and I didn’t. I couldn’t understand why I didn’t get that. Why I couldn’t’ve had just five more minutes with her.”