Page 81 of The Devil’s Feather

“Fear meaning for yourself, like through a flashback, or fear for my safety. I can assume that other people upsetting me triggers you, since you had outsized responses both times.”

Rafael gave me a considering look, brows pinched together. “It feels the same; that flash of choking rage, then I see red.”

“There has to be a solution. I appreciate your protective instinct, but not if it means innocent people get hurt or you go to jail. Or both.” Benson’s face flashed behind my eyes. “What if we get creative? Bear with me, but how about a metaphorical collar when we’re out in public? I don’t mean call me ‘Mistress’ and go full 24/7 lifestyle, but you’d submit to my lead unless we’re actually in danger. Do you trust me enough for that?”

His brow pinched in consideration. “That…could work. For you, I will try anything.” Rafael’s eyes softened. “I like this confidence in you.”

“It’s just been so much change so fast, and it makes me unsteady.” A whirlwind of change, and no small amount of risk.

He gripped the wheel. “I should not have put you in that situation tonight. Molly has always been a bitch⁠—”

“Hey, can we drop the gendered insults, please? Men saying ‘bitch’ in a derogatory way toward women makes me really uncomfortable.” I’d always hated it when men used that word. There was no male gendered equivalent, and it was often diminutive. Little bitch. My dad had called me that. “I know it’s common in the queer community, but still.”

Rafael straightened. “Yes. Forgive me. Queer or not, it is a bad habit I must break. I cannot criticize your friend for her ignorance and then do the same thing in a different key.”

That sinking feeling subsided a bit. “You joke about being a terrible person, but I can tell it really isn’t a joke. It also isn’t true.”

“How can you say that?” His tone was flat, but beneath it hummed raw pain.

“Because good people can do bad things. Even though your temper got the best of you, you wanted to protect me. You’re startlingly honest about all these unflattering facets of your personality. You can be so sweet and loving, and you make me feel better about myself than anyone else ever has. Your rage is not who you are.”

A slow exhale. He didn’t want to believe me.

“You’re been working on yourself all alone for a long time. Please let me help.”

“The beast within me has been there all my life. Even as a kid, I picked fights I knew I could not win.” Rafael’s fingers drummed on the steering wheel. “But I do not want to return to my sleepless, miserable life before you.” He exhaled. “I know I fucked up. You are right. I wanted to scare Molly so badly she would never fuck with you again; but I scared you too, and I am sorry.”

And I didn’t want to ask my next question, but I’d never get that particular flavor of anxiety out of my head otherwise. “Molly said I’m not your usual type. What did she mean by that?”

His nose wrinkled. “She was just trying to upset you. If anything, Molly is not my type. That relationship was my forced attempt at a vanilla, heteronormative life.”

“I’m sorry you did that to yourself, but you’ve been with so many fascinating people who’ve led way more exciting lives than me.” Mandeep, Benson, Molly Lively; twenty-sevenish more attractive, interesting, intimidating exes to go. I’d drown at this rate.

Rafael reached for me, hesitating just before his fingers made contact. “Why do you refuse to believe you are fascinating? Valuing some high-maintenance style over comfort does not make anyone special. Your creativity expresses in words, in your sexuality, in your genuine interest in the world. You feel emotions so strongly and without reserve. It captivates me. Normally, I am uninterested in sweet-tempered people because I know I will be too much for them. It is the mistake I made with Mandeep. But from the start, I sensed you had steel beneath the sweetness.” His smile wavered at the edges, skewering my heart. “Anyone that taken with my music is not a cream puff.”

I rubbed the center of my chest, trying to disperse the tension now that the crisis was mostly over. “You’ve brought out that darker side of me in the healthiest expression it’s ever had.”

His smile strengthened. “I am grateful for that side of you. It is an honor to witness.”

The engine cut off. At least out in the wooded hills, we didn’t have to worry about randos trying to break in or harass us. At worst, some rich person might call the cops because we dared to park on their property, but that was unlikely.

The confrontation still pecked at my brain, and I picked at the stitching on the leather upholstery. “Is it true what Molly said about how you get fixated and then get bored with people?”

“Somewhat true, but that was more about incompatibility. I tried all sorts—except for fans. You are the first fan I have ever slept with.”

“I call bullshit.” No fucking way. Too many hot nerds loved his scores.

Rafael gave me a rueful smile. “This will sound arrogant, but I have never needed to rely on celebrity to attract people. Some people told me they were fans after we hooked up, but I have always refused anyone who led with that. Too many potential issues with power imbalance. I want to be seen for who I am, not whatever weird parasocial shit someone cooked up.”

“What changed your mind with me?”

“Your little dance was so fucking pure, and you did not get pushy when you recognized me. That was why I took so long to shake your hand; trying to decide if I should allow you to run away with my heart, since you had already stolen it.” Eye crinkles. My heart fluttered. Damn his charisma. “All the bullshit with Molly fucked me up worse than ever, and I did not seriously try to date anyone else until you. Not until I was finally ready.

“Most of my exes swore they would not try to change me, but eventually they demanded I stop fighting, or keep regular hours, or be more social. Or…” His eyes pleaded for understanding. “Or they got scared and ran.”

I held out a slightly shaky hand. He took it immediately.

“Are we good?” I asked in a small voice.