Page 27 of Brought By the Storm

He looked surprised. “You’ve never had a repeat performance with someone?”

I shook my head no. “I’ve never been with anyone I wanted. I was always glad to get away. That’s why I never did much with them to begin with.”

“Do you want to talk about why?”

I kissed him. “I don’t want to spend my limited time with you crying on your shoulder. I’d rather be licking it.”

He laughed. “You’d rather lick my shoulder?”

I fluttered my eyelashes to be funny. “Well, what else are you offering me?”

He laughed again. “Oh baby, don’t tempt me.”

I rolled us so that I was on top of him. “Do I tempt you?”

“You know you do,” he responded. “But you know what? This blatant flirtatiousness isn’t you. It’s not that I’m not enjoying it, but I feel like you’re manipulating me to avoid talking about things that trouble you.”

“Ugh.” I rolled to my back. Reaching over to the nightstand, I retrieved a pack of breath strips and gave him one before popping another in my mouth.

“That bad, huh? I guess morning breath starts right after midnight.” He sighed, popping in the strip.

I laughed. “I wanted it for myself. I’m sharing to be polite.”

He leaned toward me and started brushing my hair with his hand. “You always try to please. Why is that?”

“Because I’m a nice guy?”

He smiled. “Yes, you are. But it seems very important to you to please others, even when it isn’t something you want. Why did you go home with men you didn’t wish to be with?”

I looked at the ceiling fan instead of his penetrating gaze. “I don’t know. I started off by saying no to them. I tried to come up with excuses that wouldn’t hurt their feelings. Most guys would let it go after a while. A few others didn’t. They wore me down.”

Carrington continued stroking my hair and it was soothing, making it easier to share. “You had the right to say no. You should have said no.”

I shrugged. “I know. After being with me, they were disappointed, I’m sure. I could never bring myself to get into it. I don’t like sex with strangers. It was always the same. They’d blow me, then I would feel obligated to do the same. I’d never swallow, though. I just couldn’t. It felt like something too intimate to offer someone that I didn’t know—that I didn’t even like. It would make me think about what my mother had said about gay sex. These were men I didn’t have any connection to, yet we were doing stuff that you’d think a caring couple would do. I’d always feel guilty afterward. I’d head home, brush my teeth, jump in the shower and scrub myself clean, swearing I wouldn’t go to a club again. But the hormones would act up and I’d venture out, thinking maybe it would be different the next time. Perhaps I’d meet some Prince Charming who’d want to date before getting in the sack. It just never worked out that way. I decided it wasn’t worth it. Much to Mateo’s chagrin, I became a stay-at-home, work-focused boy.”

We remained silent for a few minutes. I thought I had bored poor Carrington to sleep. I turned to look at him, and he still had the same intense gaze fixed on my face. “I’m so sorry, Eric. I hate that people abused your kindness, and that includes your parents.”

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. “Other than what I told you about my mom’s views on gay sex, what makes you think they abused me?”

Carrington pursed his lips, seeming to question whether he should reply. “Mateo may have shared some things.”

I let out a sarcastic laugh. “Ah. Yes, I’m sure he did. He can’t help himself. What did he tell you?”

“Well, he told Stefan, who told me,” Carrington clarified. “That they disowned you when you were at university. He said you earned more scholarships and secured work to finish college, then landed yourself a job upon graduation. In just a few years, you’ve done well for yourself, Eric. I’m impressed. Stefan told me Mateo is, too, and that he speaks of you with affection.”

“He helped me a lot,” I affirmed. “I owe him. That’s why I tried to be more like what he wanted in a friend. A guy who’d go to clubs with him, pick up guys and share sex stories after. I did try.”

Carrington tilted my chin toward him so we could lock eyes. “Another example of you sacrificing a part of yourself to please another. You do see how that’s going beyond being a nice guy, don’t you?”

I sighed. “Our company healthcare plan offered five therapy visits at no cost. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to go to one. I was having trouble with an abusive boss. She made me work way more hours than anyone else, rationalizing that all my co-workers had families and I didn’t. The therapist asked me if I ever told her that I wouldn’t do it, and I said I didn’t. I didn’t want to upset my boss.”

“There’s a pattern here,” Carrington said.

“Hmm. Once the therapist delved into my family history, he said the same. It was funny. Without me even telling him, he deduced that one of my parents was an alcoholic. In this case, it was my father. He asked me if my dad was abusive and if he had a lot of fights with my mom. I told him yes. The therapist then summed up my issues as stemming back to that.”

“How so?” Carrington asked.

“The therapist said that as the only child, it was a very unstable and precarious world for me. To cope and survive in it, I began to be the peacemaker. I became good at helping the other side understand the other’s perspective. I tried to do everything to please them so they didn’t have something else to fight about. Relatives used to say I was the perfect child.” I sighed. “Except I wasn’t. I wasn’t the attractive son they could boast about. I wasn’t good in sports, which was a disappointment to my father and I wasn’t as tough as they thought I should be. I did get good grades in school, though. That, at least, made them somewhat happy. Until I blew it to shit by turning out gay, that is.”