Page 192 of Dream On, Liar

People moved forward in front of me with the quiet efficiency of people who had somewhere to be. Suitcases rolled over the floor. Phones glowed in people’s hands. Conversations rose and disappeared around me.

Everyone else seemed to be continuing with their lives.

Mine felt as though it had stopped somewhere behind me.

When I reached the gate, I handed over my passport with hands that were steadier than I felt. The woman scanned it and gave me a polite smile.

“Have a good flight.”

I nodded because I did not trust my voice.

I walked down the tunnel and into the plane, each step taking me further from the place I had just left.

I found my seat and strapped myself in, surrounded by strangers who had no idea I was leaving something behind that I did not yet know how to name.

I stared out of the window as the cabin door closed.

The plane began to pressurise around me. The engines stirred to life, and the familiar sounds of departure filled the cabin.

I told myself I had done the right thing.

I told myself it would make sense later.

I told myself a lot of things.

None of them reached the part of me that still felt as though it were sitting in that cabin, waiting for him to come back from the shower and find the note I had left behind.

The plane began to move.

Slowly at first, then faster.

The runway blurred beneath us, and the lights outside stretched into long streaks against the dark glass.

My reflection looked unfamiliar.

Tired.

Too still.

I closed my eyes.

And for one brief second, I allowed myself to imagine what would have happened if I had stayed.

If I had waited.

If I had let him come back and say the rest of what he had not been able to finish.

Maybe he would have changed my mind.

Maybe I would have changed his.

Maybe we would have found a way through all the things standing between us.

I would never know.

The plane lifted before I could finish the thought, and the ground fell away beneath me.

For one last moment, I felt the weight of everything I had left behind.