Page 127 of Love Unspoken

Fuck! She was still hurting. She hadn't moved on at all. We had never had this break-up conversation. She'd left and kept it civil. But if, after all these months, it was still gnawing at her….

I shouldn't be happy about it but it gave me hope, which was stupid because my mother was expecting me to propose to Kath in a couple of months.

"I call her Kath." I paused, debating whether to say more. Against my instincts, I decided to tell her the truth, because I couldn't stand to see her hurt any longer.

"I haven't touched her…not like that."

I heard a gasp at the other end of the line, followed by hollow laughter. "You never lied to me before, Lucas. You must be feeling really sorry for the ex-girlfriend who's drunk dialing you to say that."

"I called you."

"Because I drunk texted you first." She sounded tired all of a sudden, like all the fire had left her. "Jax and I are friends."

I should've known, even though jealousy ate at me, that Amara wouldn't jump from one man to another. That wasn't who she was. Even after we started dating, it took months before we had sex. I hadn't minded—getting to know her mind had been just as sexy as getting to know her body.

"I know you won't believe me now, but I did love you." The words spilled out of me before I could stop them. "I couldn't see it then, but I can see it now."

"Did love? In the past?"

No, Tesoro, I still love you. And I can finally see it when it's too late.

When I didn't say anything, she spoke so softly that it took effort to hear all her words. "Then why did you leave me?"

"Because Kath has always been my safe choice, someone I've known most of my life," I admitted. "Being with you was different—good, different. With you, everything was real, though I couldn't see it then. There were no games with you. And…," I paused as the epiphany came through, splitting me wide open, "I fucked it up because I didn't know how to be the man you needed me to be."

She was quiet for a long time, so long that I started to worry she'd fallen asleep on me; until she said, "You hurt me, Lucas. You hurt me so much."

The pain in her voice made me hate myself, because I knew I was the reason behind it. "I know." My voice was thick with regret. "I'm sorry, Amara. I'm so fucking sorry. I didn't deserve you, and I sure as hell don't deserve your forgiveness."

"I should never have texted you. I'm sorry."

"No," I cried out. "No, I'm glad you did. I'm glad…we could speak, get closure."

All lies! All my wounds were open now, bleeding.

"Did you get closure?"

"There's none for me, Amara. I don't deserve that after I hurt you."

I heard her scoff. "You're so full of shit, Lucas. You want it both ways. You want to dump me so you can be with Kath, but you also don't want me to hate you. You want me to not hurt but you don't want me to move on for you. You want her, but your ego can't stand the idea of me being with another man."

She wasn't saying anything untrue. But that didn't mean I was aware of what I was doing until she pointed it out quite so bluntly.

"I wish we could at least be friends." It was a lame platitude, but true. If we were friends, then she'd stay in my life; I wouldn't have to miss her quite as much.

There I go again, wanting my cake and eating it too. I would marry Kath because my family and hers want me to, and I'd stay friendly with Amara so I could have a fraction of her when, truthfully, I wanted it all.

She let out a shaky breath, and I could tell she was on the verge of tears. "I don't think so, Lucas."

"I know," I said quickly, not wanting her to think I was trying to sweep everything under the rug. "But I want to try. I don't know whether you'll ever forgive me or you'll even want me in your life again, but I need you to know that I'm here for you, always."

There was another long pause, and then I heard her sigh. "I'm really drunk right now, Lucas. And I'm probably going to regret telling you this, but…I miss you too. I've been trying so hard to move on, but it's like every time I think I'm getting somewhere, you pop back into my life and mess everything up."

"I don't want to mess things up for you," I confessed earnestly.

"Goodnight, Lucas."

I stared at my phone when she hung up. All along, I'd been thinking that Kath was the easy choice, but I'd been fooling myself. Amara had been the easy choice, the perfect one because of how she loved me and how I loved her. I wished it hadn't taken me so long to realize that.