Page 84 of Here We Go Again

“It’s my favorite,” Mom says. “I’ll get you one for Christmas.”

With my makeup touched up, I move over and sit down beside her. The changing room at this place is more like a lounge, so the chairs are tufted and soft and surprisingly comfortable.

“Are you excited?” she asks. Though we’ve talked about the date multiple times today, Kim has always been present. This is the first time it’s been just the two of us. “It seems like you guys had a good time yesterday.”

“We did,” I say. “He’s amazing. Fun and easy to talk to. And he makes me laugh.”

“But?” she gently prompts, clearly sensing my hesitation.

“But … I’m scared, I guess? Things might feel great on vacation, but what happens when we go back to real life? I have no idea what that might look like.”

“That’s a reasonable concern,” Mom says. “But I think it’s okay if we don’t always know exactly what’s coming next.”

“I always know what’s coming next,” I counter. “The next contract, the next apartment, the next payment on my loans. That’s … the only way I know how to function.”

She reaches over and drops a hand on my back. “I understand why control is so important to you—I do. And it’s not a bad thing. After the cards you were dealt, losing Theo and your grandmother so close together, I get it. But somewhere inside of you, there’s still a little girl who loves the thrill of a good adventure—who doesn’t care where she’s going as long as she loves the experience of getting there.”

I drop my head onto Mom’s shoulder. “I don’t even remember that girl.”

“She was pretty great,” Mom says. “Missed her curfew way too many times. But still great.”

I chuckle. Ninety-nine percent of the times I missed my curfew, it was because I was with Theo.

“I … maybe did a stupid thing last night,” I say without lifting my head.

“Yeah?” Mom asks. “Tell me about it.”

“I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about our date. And I started feeling anxious and uncertain, and somehow that led to me googling Theo, looking for information about all the women he’s dated.”

“Oh honey,” Mom says. “Why would you do that to yourself?”

“I know! It was such a dumb move.” I finally lift my head to face her. “There were so many, Mom. So many beautiful women.”

She tilts her head like she’s really considering. “Just pictures, right? Being in a photograph next to Theo doesn’t make someone his girlfriend.”

“I know. That’s true. But it still made me think of all the life he’s lived that I wasn’t a part of. And I feel weird about that. Not angry, exactly. But…”

“Maybe a little jealous?”

“Maybe? Is that weird? We’re adults. It feels ridiculous to be jealous of women my high school boyfriend dated.”

“I would argue he wasn’t your typical high school boyfriend. But also, it’s a two-way street. You had a boyfriend up until just a few weeks ago. And you had other boyfriends before Rory. You’ve had your own experiences. You can’t judge Theo for his.”

“I’m not judging. But … his life is so public. And these women were all so beautiful. I don’t feel like I measure up.”

“Have you looked in the mirror, child?” She glances past me, probably to look for Kim, but the coast is clear. “If it matters, Kim has talked quite a bit about Theo, and she makes it seem like he’s never had a girlfriend—at least, not a serious one.”

“In eight years? That seems unlikely.”

“Unless he’s been hung up on someone else this whole time.”

I quickly shake my head. “I don’t think that’s true.”

“Why couldn’t it be? He went through something traumatic, Becca. He lost his father, and then he lost you.”

“He didn’t have to lose me,” I say. “That’s the point. If I meant so much to him, enough for him to still be hung up on me all these years later, why did he push me away?”

The ache in my voice surprises me—some vulnerability I seem to have accidentally tapped into.